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Post by Rai Chiller on Nov 16, 2010 17:47:17 GMT -6
Book 1 Chapter 1 Harry awoke with a start. It was the first day of summer. His first day in peace since the living hell that was school last year. Harry spent every waking moment of the day wishing he was someplace else where he wasn't punched in the testicles and didn't have his anus used as a pencil sharpener everyday. That would be totally magical. But alas, not only was it the first day of summer, it was also his morbidly obese cousin Dildo's birthday. Dildo was always so mean to Harry. Ever since he first arrived at the Hurley household Dildo treated him like owl shit. He was the one who shoved milk cartons in his ears and shanked Harry in the balls at school. Harry's world was a shitty world of blood, tears, and edible condoms. That was all because of Dildo. And worse yet, his parents never blamed him for it. "Dildo, how did five pairs of scissors and three sticks of dynamite find their way up Harry's rectum?" Sadly Harry knew he couldn't avoid attending Dildo's birthday, considering he did live in the same house as Dildo. And in the same room as Dildo. And in the same bed as Dildo.Therefore he thought it only fair that at least go with Dildo to the KFC or wherever the hell he was going for his 23rd birthday. Uncle Hardon however, did not. "Where the fuck do you think you're going?" Thus, Harry was banished to the cellar underneath the stairs for all of forever. At least until Aunt and Uncle Hardon were done showering Dildo with lard and love. But you know, whatever. A. Stay in your room and play with your wand. (+1 Masturbation joke) B. Whine at Uncle Hardon until he lets you come with. (+1 COGS Bitch point) C. Cry your sorrows away until the Hardons come back. (+1 Emo point) D. Attempt to bust door open using pure strength. (10% Chance of success. If success, +1 Badass Potter point. If failure, +1 Harry Phailure point.) SCOREBOARD Bitch Potter Points: 0 Emo Potter Points: 0 Asshole Potter Points: 0 Badass Potter Points: 0 Harry Phailure Points: 0[/center]
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Post by Veta on Nov 16, 2010 18:06:55 GMT -6
D!
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Post by Will on Nov 16, 2010 18:13:10 GMT -6
D.
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Post by Mercury (HG) on Nov 16, 2010 19:26:08 GMT -6
D.
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Post by PirateWolf12 on Nov 16, 2010 19:40:45 GMT -6
D.
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Post by Rai Chiller on Nov 16, 2010 20:29:09 GMT -6
Harry rammed at the door with all his non-magical strength. But the door wouldn't budge. It was as though Uncle Hardon had taped all his mankinis to the door to wedge it shut. It was, in a way, unbreakable. Harry was just about to jump onto his bed and sob like a fag until he heard a noise. Harry gasped! It appeared as though a crack had formed on the door after he rammed into it. He could smell the freedom in the air, and it warmed his poor eleven year old soul to the bone. and more. Harry leaped from his tear soaked bed and tried to pry the door open via the crack, but it was no good. He was seriously really weak. What a fucking pussy ass bitch. Harry almost started crying again when he realized that all he was missing was a fucking trip to KFC and possibly a blowjob or two. No biggie, he could get both of those later. He started to chill on his bed for awhile, read a few books, looked up some porn on the internet. You know, the usual day of a eleven year old girl. When the Hurleys got home, Uncle Hardon removed his Mankini lock and released Harry from his closet. CHAPTER 2: THE PART WHERE HARRY STARTS HAVING WEIRD FEELINGS AROUND WANDS Twas a warm summer day when Dildo decided to have another birthday. He had consumed enough souls and gained enough weight to be considered two separate people, so nobody really argued he kinda needed a second birthday. Oh you. Dildo had always wondered what children tasted like. And since he wasn't allowed to eat any at his school or eat Harry, he was always left in the dark as to what delicious flavors those small parcels of meat contained within their salty beef flesh. He licked his lips whenever plump little children passed by, though they ran away a lot because he usually had his pants off. This halted his tasty ingredient gathering considerably, so he had been researching ways to catch children more easily. Harry had watched Dildo drool over him at night, and sniff his crunchy arm from time to time. But this was gonna be big. Dildo was probably gonna eat every single fellow Eleven year old Harry had ever known. While this made Harry cry inside like an emo bitch sometimes, he was also happy there would be less kids to stick post-it notes up his anus at school. Which was kind of a plus. Harry had feminine conflicting emotions about this. A. Let Dildo proceed with his plans to eat children. Your anus just recovered from the last time they "Invited" you over to play "Hopscotch". (+1 Asshole Points, +1 Cake Points) B. Stop Dildo's nefarious plot to eat children. You liked the anal beatings. (+1 Bitch Points, +1 Mankini Points) SCOREBOARD [/b] Bitch Potter Points: 0 Emo Potter Points: 0 Asshole Potter Points: 0 Badass Potter Points: 0 Harry Phailure Points: 1[/center]
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Post by Mercury (HG) on Nov 16, 2010 20:35:54 GMT -6
A.
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Post by PirateWolf12 on Nov 16, 2010 20:39:40 GMT -6
A.
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Post by Veta on Nov 16, 2010 20:40:22 GMT -6
A
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Post by Rai Chiller on Nov 16, 2010 22:03:51 GMT -6
Uncle Hardon approached Dildo from the shadows. "Have you made yer decision on where to go yet, lad?" Anticipation bubbled in Uncle Hardon's multiple chins. He approved of this birthday only so he could buy another lard birthday cake for Dildo (But mostly for himself). "I totes want to go to the zoo, DADDY." Dildo croaked like a pighorse. Hardon kinda nodded. As close to a nod as you could get with five triple chins I suppose. When Hardon was loading up the semi truck needed to transport Dildo, Harry sneaked on through the exhaust pipe and saw Hardon at the steering wheel. "ARE WE READY TO HAUL ASS, MY DUMPLING?" "WE SURE AS HELL ARE. HIT THAT SHIT." One of the pit crew members called back. Hardon gave a thumbs up as Dildo hopped on the back of the truck. Harry felt a sharp pain to the everywhere as the exhaust pipe crumpled in around him. He dealt with the pain though, like a REAL MAN. (+1 Badass point) They arrived at the zoo moments laters. Children frolicked around the sunbathed palm tree area and parents traded drugs behind the concession stands. Everything was as it should have been. Dildo lifted his arms up to make room for the crane needed to pull him out of the trailer. When the pressure was lifted, Harry could finally feel his lungs again and squirmed out of the pipe. Hardon was waiting right outside the pipe. "Well well well. Come to spoil your anorexic cousin's special day have you? Well I'm gonna fuck you up bad. I wasted a lot of good mankinis to lock your door today, and this is how you repay me?" "You ungrateful little fuck." "Well now you little chav fuck, I'm going to ki-" Just then, a lard cake stand passed by. Uncle Hardon was mezmorized by the different flavors of Chicken, crispy lard, and sloppy lard surprise, not to mention the ever popular plain lard dipped in double lard. Harry vomited on a small ginger child passing by and followed Dildo, which wasn't that hard, considering he literally had a billboard plastered to the back of his neck flubber. Harry watched as Dildo picked up small children and ate them whole as he walked. Small stains got on his British flag T-shirt, but he wore a bib made out of grinded down child bones to compensate. The children tasted of innocence and energy, two traits Dildo (un?)fortunately lacked. Harry hid behind the conveniently placed bushes near Dildo. He watched as his cousin consumed his classmates and enemies, such as Tanya, the girl who pants'd him in front of everyone during science class and Henry, the boy who seriously stabbed Harry in the hand so hard he couldn't masturbate for a week. Harry was happy they were dead, but then his non-magical conscience began to act up like a moralfag douche. A. Harry should probably stop Dildo's rampage before someone gets eate- Well shit. Too late. But you can still stop him before he mistakes an innocent koala as a child and consumes it! B. Harry should stay in the bushes and let this shit go down, even if it is a HUGE douche move. Then again maybe they shouldn't have done those douche moves to Harry (Such as light his balls on fire)! C. There is a lard cake on the ground. Use it to lure Dildo somewhere else in the zoo. If you chose C, please pick a number. 1. Liger and Tigon kennels 2. Snake pit of death 3. (Komodo) Dragon lair! 4. Koala Sanctum of Solitude 5. Kitten nursery SCOREBOARD [/b] Bitch Potter Points: 0 Emo Potter Points: 0 Asshole Potter Points: 1 Badass Potter Points: 1 Harry Phailure Points: 1[/center]
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Post by Veta on Nov 16, 2010 23:26:14 GMT -6
C5
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Post by PirateWolf12 on Nov 16, 2010 23:53:36 GMT -6
C3!
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Post by Will on Nov 16, 2010 23:56:27 GMT -6
C1
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Post by slayer22 on Nov 17, 2010 3:48:12 GMT -6
C3, ACTUALLY UPDATE AND DON'T FORGET THIS TIME.
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Basil
New Survivor
Posts: 47
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Post by Basil on Nov 17, 2010 11:00:03 GMT -6
C3
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Post by AceTheMercenary on Nov 17, 2010 12:15:19 GMT -6
I can't believe there is no option for the FunFun Corner. That would've been my vote. T_T
Oh well. C3. And don't you dare abandon this one. The Lulz must continue.
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Post by Mercury (HG) on Nov 17, 2010 16:09:51 GMT -6
C5.
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Post by Rai Chiller on Nov 17, 2010 20:02:02 GMT -6
Harry picked the lard cake off the ground. The lard dripped off it like sludge and soaked into his tender young hand. Harry aimed for a moment before finding a perfect spot to lure Dildo to: The Komodo Dragon lair! Which also happened to be home to an assortment of snakes for double the funfun. Dildo lifted his blood encrusted nostrils into the air. He smelled lard. Delicious lard. It was flying in the air toward the Komodo Dragon funfun lair, and like a morbidly obese moth to a flame dipped in lard, Dildo waddled to the lair. Harry fell over as the ground shook beneath him. Harry was uplifted as a slab of concrete threw him into the air and toward the snake and dragon pit too. He arrived just ahead of Dildo and was trapped, as Dildo blocked the only way in or out. Dildo began nomming on the lard cake while Harry observed the nearby snakes. It seemed all the komodo dragons were gone from their habitat. Taco wrappers lined the cages. Harry turned back to the snakes, they mesmorized him in a completely breathtaking way. No homo, you sick pedos. Dildo budged in front of him. Harry could hear faint words bubbling underneath the lard and fat surrounding his mouth; "Out of my way, you fat piece of shit." Harry could not properly process the irony or the fail, as his brain was too British and adolescent. So he channeled his confusion into red hot steamy moist and humid anger. The anger boiled underneath his lighting shaped scar and he could feel powah bursting underneath. The powah to get revenge on his fat fuck cousin for being, well, a dildo. Dildo was fingering the glass with his sausage fingers and laughing at how gay the snake was. Harry was angry because he felt some sort of inner connection with the snake on an emotional level. Suddenly, the glass between Dildo and the dildo shaped reptile vanished, and the lardbucket fell in the exhibit. The snake slithered out and thanked Harry by constricting him until he puked out at least a galleon of blood and a few ovaries, then he slithered away to kill some African kids. Dildo got up from the pond in the exhibit and found the glass had returned. "Fucker!" Harry was freaking the fuck out because Hardon must have finished his consuming of lard cakes and would be on his way now. He arrived in a rather furious state, as expected. He stomped in the dragon lair and confronted Harry. Lard dripped from his lips and the tears of small children stained his shirt. He began to raise his voice at Harry but the lard was caught in his throat. Dildo was banging the glass (You read that right) as an attempt to get his father's attention. Hardon began shitting his pants in anger. We can only assume that's also his sex face. He immediately dragged Harry back to the house and locked him up with the quintuple mankini squish of death. Harry is now locked in his room. A. Begin crying and find something underneath the sheets. (+1 Emo Points) B. Just fucking advance the story. SCOREBOARD Bitch Potter Points: 0 Emo Potter Points: 0 Asshole Potter Points: 1 Badass Potter Points: 1 Harry Phailure Points: 1
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Post by Ace teh Lazeh on Nov 17, 2010 20:12:15 GMT -6
A
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Post by PirateWolf12 on Nov 17, 2010 20:15:45 GMT -6
You promised me komodo dragons, Rai! A.
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Post by Veta on Nov 17, 2010 21:39:46 GMT -6
Yeah. A.
And also include me in as a one-liner and pick-up liner master. If you need lines, PM me.
"Wanna see my wand?" "(At the 9 and 3 1/4 train station) Come with me on the six and nine express and I'll show you something else that's 9 and 3 1/4." "I'll show you a magical time." "Let's ride on my broom." "damn, girl, you are looking magical today." "Hey, let's grab some dirty pictures and watch them in my room. Alone." "Yo, come hide with me in mah invisibility cloak." "You must've heard about the Philosopher's stones, but I bet you'll find my Twin Stones fun to play with."
I gots a billion.
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Post by Mercury (HG) on Nov 17, 2010 22:08:56 GMT -6
A!
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Basil
New Survivor
Posts: 47
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Post by Basil on Nov 18, 2010 15:26:32 GMT -6
A
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Post by slayer22 on Nov 18, 2010 15:28:51 GMT -6
A
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Post by Rai Chiller on Nov 18, 2010 21:22:04 GMT -6
Harry began sobbing uncontrollably. He banged his eleven year old fist on the bed post and tears condensed on his nerdy-ass glasses until he couldn't even make out where he was. So he accidentally rammed into the wall and stumbled back onto the bed. Underneath the bed was a letter. Harry pulled it out from under the sheets and read it out loud: Harry was so excited he orgasmed. A. Go tell Uncle Hardon immediately! He'll totes let you go! B. Keep the letter a secret, you biyatch. SCOREBOARD [/u] Bitch Potter Points: 0 Emo Potter Points: 1 Asshole Potter Points: 1 Badass Potter Points: 1 Harry Phailure Points: 1[/center]
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Post by slayer22 on Nov 18, 2010 21:25:16 GMT -6
A
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Post by Veta on Nov 18, 2010 21:28:18 GMT -6
A!
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Post by PirateWolf12 on Nov 18, 2010 21:34:56 GMT -6
A.
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Post by Mercury (HG) on Nov 18, 2010 23:19:51 GMT -6
A
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Post by Rai Chiller on Nov 19, 2010 22:34:52 GMT -6
Harry runs out of the room with great haste. He wandered into the dining room, where Dildo and Hardon were fighting over the leg of what appeared to be a small child. The skin toned matched that of the Indian boy who moved down the block a few days ago. Harry shook his head and walked up to Hardon. "Uncle Hardon? I got a letter." Hardon pried it open with his sausage fingers. "You interrupted my blood orgy for this?" But as Hardon began reading the letter, his eyebrows slowly narrowed. His fat began bubbling. His mustache had goosebumps. His chubby fingers began trembling. He put the letter down on the table next to the live cow that was seasoned with blood. "Absolutely not." "Why not, Uncle Hardon? You fucking hate me anyway." Hardon nodded in agreement. After all, he had said on many occasions that he wanted Harry to die buried under a pile of his own shit and with his balls cut off and shoved up his ass. "There will be none of this shit in my house." Hardon finally said. Just then, billions of letters came pouring out Dildo's ass. Aunt Penistuna looked toward Dildo screaming in pain as he tried to grip his ass with his garbage truck sized fingers. "Holy fuck." Hardon donned his rage face and picked up Harry. He then tossed Harry back into the closet and quintuple mankini locked it. There was no walking out of this one. It looked like Harry had nothing to do but sit and wait in his room. CHAPTER 3: SHIT GETS MAGICAL [/u] F[/size]ive days later, Harry was let out of the room. There were absolutely no letters anywhere and Dildo had a giant corkscrew shoved up his ass. Hardon glared at him with a look that could melt DRY ICE (As in, pretty goddamn intense.) "Sit." He pointed to a creaky old chair in the middle of the dining room. Harry glanced at the calendar, it was only August 25th. He sighed in relief. Harry sat down on the creaky old chair. Hardon sat down on his chair made of hardened whale semen. He pulled the letter from his pocket. "Isn't it a gorgeous day out?" He smiled. "Totes." Harry dryly replied. "Shut the FUCK up." Dildo tried to slap him from behind, but he was far too mobility challenged to attempt something of such nature. Hardon pulled the letter out of the envelope and read it to himself. He then sighed and threw it in the fireplace. Another letter squeezed past the corkscrew in Dildo's ass and flew into Hardon's hand. He began cackling madly. "Is that the best you've FUCKING got, you freak biyatches?!" He taunted as he laughed. A rumble began to ensnare the house. "Uh. Daddy?" "Yes, my dumpling?" "My rump doesn't feel so goo-" Suddenly, a huge blast of pure paper erupted from Dildo's ass. The corkscrew bounced around the room and impaled Aunt Penistuna on the wall. She was still alive. "Sometimes I wonder... If it's all worth fighting for..." A. Grab as many letters as you can and run for your room! B. Help Penistuna off the wall, put corkscrew in Dildo's ass! C. Hide in room. Your cousin's shitting is of little concern to you. SCOREBOARD [/b] Bitch Potter Points: 0 Emo Potter Points: 1 Asshole Potter Points: 1 Badass Potter Points: 1 Harry Phailure Points: 1[/center]
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