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Post by Song Nai on Nov 26, 2010 22:10:33 GMT -6
...Why do people say the rain is calming? I mean, it's just water! I sigh as I step out of the taxi and pay the man. Friendly chap even though he kinda talks too much.
Might as well introduce myself. My name is Song Nai. Yeah I know, not the most creative name ever, especially for a Chinese kid. I'm sixteen years old and was born in Connecticut. Now you're probably wondering why I'm riding taxis and bitching about the rain. Well for starters, I'm employed in one of the biggest companies ever. Yeah, I know that sounds unbelievable but I have no reason to lie.
So I'm just going to enter this glass doorway now and-
...Is that a poster saying 'Slavery Reinstated'? Okay...I think this job wasn't all it was cracked up to be when I got the recommendation. Oh well, too late to turn back now. Mom already kicked me out of the house and sold all my stuff for cra- I mean stuff.
All right, where do I go from here? The dude who gave me this job offer told me to report to the top floor of the building. Judging by the size from the outside, I think I better find the elevator. It took me some time but I finally found the damn lift when I heard the dings. All right, step in, push button, and wait.
...Who the hell has the Jaws theme as elevator music? It makes me more nervous than I'm showing...
Okay, top floor and ready. Hairs neatly combed and styled back? Check. Sunglasses are on and briefcase with all my important files and laptop full of por- I mean papers. Check. I'm good to go!
Hmm, red door, red door. Ah Hah! Of course it would be the one with the hot secretary in besides it.
"Um...Excuse me?"
The hot woman behind her desk was busy texting to someone and giggling. She didn't make any movement to look up at me. I was about to say something again when she spoke up.
"Sorry about that, was busy talking to my BFF. Okay, you must be the 3 o'clock appointment. Go right on in." She said all this without looking up.
"Uh...Thank you." I nervously reply as I move towards the door and step through.
...Good God it smells of fear in here! And there's that damn poster again...with added words and a picture.
"Catch yourself a strong one." along with a black man? Okay...
"You going to say anything or are you going to stand there all day and waste both my time and money?"
HOLY SHIT THAT VOICE IS SCARY. "Um...no sir. I apologize Mister..."
"Call me Ace. Now come over here and sit your ass down." The man sitting in the lavish leather chair whirled around and faced me.
...Is that a skull? He must have been following my gaze because he chuckled a bit.
"Ah don't worry, it's just a cup." With the words "FUCK OFF" clearly plastered onto its side. "Okay, Mister Nai, I got a really good recommendation from one of my colleagues. The fact you're a Chinaman makes it all the better. So give me your papers and I'll have a look to see if you're worth my time."
I nervously hand over the papers to him and sit there fidgeting in the tight cramp seat. I suddenly realized that this might have been an electric chair... Well, too late to run now.
"Hmm...well you got good stuff here and I am a bit of a fan of forcing non-Americans into tough work. All right, you got the job kid. I don't have time to divulge the entire workings of this place so if you got any questions or problems; you're going to have to take it up with your superior. Now get the hell out of my sight and don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out. I don't want your ass prints on it."
I gladly grab my papers and GTFO like a black man from white cops. He was sipping a suspicious crimson liquid from that cup of his and I don't want to find out what it was exactly...
"Oh yeah, my secretary will lead you around!" I hear him shout behind me before I close the door.
Just as I finish collecting my nerves, the hot woman behind the desk tackles me.
Heh...boobies...
I mean what? Why is she hugging me?
"Oooh! I get a new friend! Yay!" She squeals as she hugs me tightly.
...Air...I need...air
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Post by Song Nai on Nov 27, 2010 1:20:57 GMT -6
"Oh, I'm so sorry about that. I didn't think you would pass out!"
"It's fine...really. As long as you warn me next time."
The hot woman giggled as she helped me up. So to recap what happened, I had just received a bone crushing hug that cut off my air supply. If I were a weaker teenager, it would have killed me. Well, at least I felt something good.
"Okay, so I guess I better get you to the other building and set you up in your cell...uh I mean cube."
Oh great, another annoying cubicle job. Oh well.
"Oh! Sorry, can you please hold on for just one minute! I need to do something really important!"
Gah, puppy eyes plus hot body. My worst combination.
"Go ahead, it's no trouble." I say with a dazzlingly smile.
...Did Ace just glare at me?
Okay, note to self, do not piss off your boss. His glares can go through walls, freeze over hell, and possibly make you piss yourself.
...What the hell is she doing?
The hot secretary was just waving out the large window to someone across the parking lot. She's texting something to whoever it is very fast and whoever she's waving too is responding with a sign. Am I working with a loony person?
"All right! Let's go!"
Finally, the both of us walk briskly towards the elevator and get in.
"So, here's how this place works!" Where did she get that graduate hat and black board? "This building we're in right now is big boy territory. Unless you have a REALLY REALLY good reason to be here, which most of the time you won't, then Ace is going to sic hounds on you...and then we'll eat popcorn and laugh at you."
Geez, thanks for that helpful bit of info.
"We're now going to the worker's building. Sometimes I call it the loser building or the sad bunch of bitches building but I digress." Oh FU- "Anyways, you'll be working under Basil. He's a pretty good guy but drinks a lot and the opposite of what you usually expect of Frenchmen."
"What's that mean?"
"That means he can kick your ass and isn't afraid to do so." Seriously? I'm working under a guy like THAT? "Oh don't worry, he's pretty chill...most of the time...to the regulars...and when he's sober...which is never..."
Good God quit talking about my impending doom and tell me about the rest of the building!
"So! To conclude, you're going to be doing a bunch of computer stuff for Basil who is in charge of coordination." Seriously? They let a drunken man organize how everything is run? Well shit. "Whelp, that's all you need to know!"
"Shouldn't you tell me the other workings of the departments in case I end up doing some field work with them?"
"Hmm...You’re right that would be a good idea but I don't wanna!"
She looks cute when she sticks out her tongue like that...
...I think Ace is glaring at me again.
Ding! Oh, we're here. Just as I'm about to step out the elevator and walk towards the bridge that I didn't notice before that connects these two buildings, the secretary jumps onto my back and hugs me again.
"Give me a piggy back ride! I'm tired, and I'm hungry, and I'm thirsty!" She whined out in a drawl.
"Gah! Okay, okay! Just, just don't hug too tightly!"
"Yay!"
"Um...by the way...I never got your..." Why the hell am I blushing? Oh right, she's rubbing her chest against me.
"My what? My breast size?" OH GAWD, MY NOSE IS GOING TO START BLEEDING!
"Um...um...uh." DAMN IT! STOP STUTTERING!
"Is that a yes...?" Good God she loves messing with me. Oh crap, I think I'm going to fall!
...Fuck, the floor tastes awful.
"Oh, I'm so sorry! I didn't think you would fall down!" Gah, screw you lady! "Here, are you all right?"
Wow, that's a nice view...uh..I mean...Holy crap I think my heart just stopped because Ace's glare willed it.
"Here come on, get up you lazy bum! Oh...we're here."
Funny, I didn't think with all the chest rubbing and the sexual comments that I had enough will power to walk all the way to the bridge and get through the doors. Oh well, guess my subconscious is more powerful then I thought.
"Okay, now just up this elevator and then we're set! Basil's office is right in front of it!" How can she have so much energy?
The two of us get in and she does the button pushing honor.
"Um, by the way, I never got your name miss..."
"Call me Rie! I'm the super-sexy-kitten-and-Asian-loving-hot-woman-ninja-secretary you could ever hire!"
"Okay...I'm-"
"Song Nai, a Chinese prodigy and a jack-of-all-trades teenager that could very well become the next Bill Gates...only Asian."
"Geez, thanks for the vote of confidence!" Man, maybe she isn't all bad.
"Oh...um sorry."
"What for? You mean earlier on the bridge? Oh don't worry about that." Why do I suddenly feel a breeze...?
"Oh um...it's not that. It's just that whenever I get really excited when meeting a new friend that I accidentally...steal their underwear..."
BUUUUUUUUH? As if to confirm the shocked look plastered all over my face, she holds up my pair of mushroom kingdom boxers and hands them to me.
"..."
"Yeah, I hope that doesn't change anything between us..."
"But, but when? How?"
"Yeah, I forgot to mention that in addition to all those things I said I'm also kinda of a big pervert..."
Conversation...getting very...awkward...must change...topic
Ding! Oh thank God, saved by the bell. There's also a bathroom right in front. Without saying anything, I rush in and slip into one of the stalls and quickly put on my boxers again.
Suddenly, without warning, the doors fly open and someone smashes the huge mirror. I'm scared as glass shards fly with heavy force and impale the stall doors.
"DAMN IT KONG! WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?"
"Because I could." Was that a shotgun being cocked right now?
"OH CRAP! HE'S GOT A GUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!"
I sweat drop as this Kong person starts to blows bullet holes into the walls. I cautiously step out of the ruined bathroom and looked around for Rie.
"Psst, up here." HOLY SHIT SHE'S ON THE CEILING! "Catch me!" She says as she suddenly starts dropping down.
Luckily, I manage to catch her relatively easy.
"Hehe, sorry that you had to do that but I didn't want to fight against Kong again. I swear that man does his job way better than anyone else here! Even Ace gets lazy as Tbone who is charge of the lazy department."
We have a lazy department? We have a guy who is paid to create chaos? Rie's really a ninja?
"I think I'm going to lie down a bit..."
"Wait! You can't do that now! Not with Kong on the prowl!" On second thought, maybe working at McDonalds might be better than here.
"Well, this is Basil's office!" When the hell did we get here?
"Aw...I guess this means it's time for me to leave you..." GOOD GOD IS THIS WOMAN MADE TO BE BOTH CUTE AND SEXY? HER POUTING IS WORSE THAN HER PUPPY EYES!
"Will you come visit me?"
"Uh..I'm sorry but I'm a big fan of not getting torn apart by dogs..." Please don't pout and use puppy eyes.
"Oh don't worry about that! I can call Basil to send you over! You'll be my new errand boy!" ...Crap.
"Uh...okay."
Suddenly, someone zoomed around the corner and latched himself onto Rie and hugged her. The woman didn't even seem shocked as she hugged back and squealed.
"AUSSIE! MY BFF!"
"RIE! MY BFF!"
Ouch, my eardrums are going to bust! Okay, I think I'll quietly sneak into the office and meet my new superior for the rest of my short days here. Yeah, that sounds good.
The last thing I hear before entering the office?
"So you're going to get sued again! But don't worry hun! Aussie of the legal department has the greatest defense of all that will win this case like it did all the others! I'll tell them you’re my BFF!"
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Post by Song Nai on Nov 28, 2010 2:18:00 GMT -6
Okay, so I guess I better explain what the fuck is going on. Apparently my new superior, the guy who is supposed to make sure I work and how I do so, is drunk and doesn't care that he has a psycho in his department destroying shit. If the empty bottles of booze lying everywhere is any indication, then I guess I'm pretty screwed in the near future.
Hmm, empty secretary desk must mean they're on break. Well, guess I'll just-
"New kid, get your ass in here." Holy shit how did he know I was here? "Your breathing is fucking making my hangover worse!" Oh, that's...interesting.
So I enter through the door and get a good look around Basil's office. Old, messy, books piled up against the walls and litter both the floor and his desk, a dusty and slightly edge torn red flag on the wall hangs on the wall behind his chair, the windows are broken and boarded up, and I believe something called a brand Kalachnikov rifle is leaning onto the side of his desk. Basil himself was this big tall intimidating man and he was currently dressed in a drab sickly green military uniform with some medals pinned onto it. He had his feet up on the table and a bottle clutched firmly between his teeth.
...This guy is my boss? Well fuck.
"All righty, you gotta stand there all day and gawk like a prissy niak or you gonna sit your ass down?"
...How can he talk with that bottle in his mouth? Screw it, I seen worse.
"Okay, my name is Song Nai. I was told by Ace that I would be working under you?"
"Hmph, that bastard, giving me a newbie. I swear he did this to spite me." The man made a few murmurs and grunts before looking at me dead in the eyes. "Okay new kid, here's how this is going to work. You'll be sitting in a small cubicle for about 2 hours complying papers and making sure that nothing generally gets fucked up. You're also my new errand boy so I hope you got people skills because you're going to need them in this department. Okay, today is special so you're going to start tomorrow."
"Special? Is it because it's my first day here?"
"What? No. It's because it's Tuesday."
"What's so special about Tuesday?" Basil snorted at that and held out his hand with 5 fingers held up. He counted down while draining the remaining amount of liquid in his bottle of booze.
Suddenly, there was a loud crash and what I assumed to be an explosion. Red lights flared up and started flashing and a siren started blaring loudly.
"ATTENTION INSIGNIFICANT WORMS! TODAY IS TUESDAY BITCHES! I HOPE YOU'RE ALL READY FOR OUR WEEKLY GAME OF LEFT 4 DEAD! ONLY THE STRONG SURVIVE SO I HOPE YOU BOUGHT YOUR GUNS! ALSO, RAI IS CURRENTLY HAVING A SPECIAL ON HEALING SUPPLIES BECAUSE I SAID SO! NOW THEN, COMMENCING THE GAME NOW!"
What the fuck is going on?
...Was that a growling noise I just heard?
"All right new kid, saddle up." The man tossed me handgun while he strapped on an ammo belt.
...The fuck is going on? Oh well, if it warrants a gun it most mean it's serious.
And suddenly someone crashes through the window...and gracefully lands onto the desk? Hoo boy that looked like it took skills.
"Nikita Orumov, at ease." Basil said as the red haired woman saluted then relaxed.
...And suddenly I'm being held at gun point, oh shit. Yeah, I know what you're thinking, why am I being so calm about this? Because it isn't the first time I was held at gun point and it won't be the last.
"Who the fuck are you? What the hell are you doing in my leader's office? And why do you have a gun?!" She barks are scary, here's to hoping her bites aren't.
"Nikita, I said at ease. He's the new kid, just gave his helpless ass a gun. Nothing else." She releases me rather roughly. Bitch.
"All right, if I know Ace, he's making home base his office so we better get moving. New kid, I want you to run to Rai's store and secure us whatever healing shit he's got."
"Uh...what's happening?" Nikita just snorted and rolled her eyes. With a mumbled word of newbies, she shoves a paper into my hand and puts away her handgun to pull out a...
WHERE IN THE FUCK DID SHE KEEP AN AK-74 ON HER BODY?
You know what, screw it. I'm just...screw it. All right, oh magical piece of paper, guide me to whatever hell you have in store for me! I flip open the paper and skim it.
"So today's the day of the week that Ace decides to play a sick twisted game of God and pit us in a Valhalla style battle against zombies?"
"Yep. Trust me kid, it's one of the few things he does that is fun for both sides. Now then, get ready for the zombies; Ms. Orumov's entrance is sure to attract some of those bastards here."
This paper has a map too. All right, Rai's store is...the next two floors. Okay, I guess I can do that.
"Can I do a battle shout?" Hey, don't you judge me! I always wanted too.
The two veterans shared a glance and shrugged their shoulders.
"Whatever makes you sleep at night new kid."
"All right." I turn around to face the door which is slowly crumbling. Pulling the hammer down and setting the provided laser sight on bright, I aim at the wooden furniture along with Basil and Nikita.
"OUR TIME HAS COME!" I roar as I let loose the first shots into the zombies that break through.
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"Damn you Ace! I told that man that I didn't want to do this damn thing this week!" Aussie St. Wolf de Glace roared as he punched a zombie in the face then blasted its head off.
"Hey, at least I'm here right?" Rie said cheerfully as she decapitated a fat zombie with her kunai.
"Hmm, true, you being here does make it better." The two shared a brief hug before getting back to zombie slaying.
"Is there anyone left alive in the legal department?" Someone shouted off in the distance.
"Just two! The superior and his BFF!" Aussie shouted back as he fired another shot.
"Oh hey! It's Veta Mexica!" Rie shouted happily.
"Great, the two nutters are the only help I get?" The old retired dictator said.
The Mexican loaded his shotgun again and fired into the crowd.
"BACK! BACK FOWL DEMON! BACK I SAY!" The man roared as he fired heavily into the crowd.
"Looks like we got ourselves a party!" The intern, Barra, said as he loaded his rifle.
"SHUT UP INTERN!" Everyone shouted at once.
The intern sniffed before firing at the crowd. Rie and Aussie both sighed as they continued to fight there way through with the two new additions.
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Kong glared at the zombies approaching him at break neck speeds. He suddenly grinned viciously as he pulled the secret lever he set up to trap Basil and impale him on several spikes. The zombies all fell in and were turned into Swiss cheese and Kong just chuckled as he pulled the lever again.
"Like lambs to the slaughter." Someone said in a monotone behind Kong.
"Ah Postal, you got the goods?"
The man only nodded as he tossed Kong a broken broom stick handle with several saw blades attached to it.
"Man, where do you come up with this stuff?"
"..." Postal didn't say anything as he unloaded a shotgun from his trench coat and blasted a zombie from down the hall.
Kong gave a whistle. "Fifty feet, not bad."
"..." The man didn't say anything as his one hand wielded the deadly weapon and held a base bat in the other.
"Hey! You ain't getting more kills than me!" Kong shouted as he dashed off.
Postal only continued to take small quiet steps.
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Ace glanced at the several monitors set up in front of him. It was his favorite time of the week again, the time to fuck with people via zombies. The man grabbed his cup and sipped his red delicious orphan blood wine and started to zoom in on people.
"Hmm let's see..."
The teams are as followed.
Electric State Whoopass
Leader: Aussie Rie Veta Barra
Kong's Demolition Team Leader: Kong Postal
Lunar Wolves
Leader: Basil Nikita Orumov Song Nai
The Fallen Leader: Ace Sylar Rai
Dead people: The Lazy Department Legal Department besides Aussie Coordination Department besides Basil, Nikita, Song The Game Department Publishing Department besides Veta and Barra Everyone else
"Hmm, let's see if I can stir up some trouble for these sad sacks." Ace laughed evilly as he pressed a button to bring forth a panel with several buttons on it.
"Hmm, I think I'll start with...the annoying horde."
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"Everyone, stop!" Aussie commanded suddenly.
"What's wrong Aussie?" Rie asked.
"My musical death tone sense are tingling! QUICK! SET UP A DEFENSE FOR A HORDE!"
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"Sir, that noise!"
"I know Nikita. Prepare."
I stare at the two in confusion. "What's going to happen?"
"Smokers." What the hell are you-ACK! CAN'T BREATHE! OH GOD!
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"Hey Postal, tell me again why we're not simply running through these fuckers again?"
"..." The trench coat wearing man only unzipped his fly and proceeds to desecrate the walls.
"...Okay then. Good idea, that way Basil will have even more to clean up." Kong clutched his broom stick tightly before he started to break the windows.
---
"Hmm, what to do to those two?" Ace pondered as he zoomed in on Kong's Demolition Team. "Oh I know!"
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"Geez man, what did you drink? You're freaking walking and pissing at the same time!"
Postal only grunted as he continued to take steps sideways and piss. His percent was at 40 so he could do about another good 20 feet of the wall.
Suddenly, someone wailed loudly and it echoed down the hall.
"AW shit, boss man gave us a witch!" Then Kong was proven wrong. The two hadn't realized how close they were to the danger.
Postal found out when he took ten more steps and suddenly found his trail of urine shooting into a darkened room. One pair of angry red eyes let up and snarled at him. Then two more. Then finally, several of them were all growling and glaring at Postal.
The trench coat man only zipped his fly and spoke in a calm tone.
"There's nothing like a first piss."
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"I'm sorry sir, I wanted...to help you more."
"It's okay Nikita...you did your best."
The Lunar Wolves were resting half way on the bridge. Nikita, in a gallant effort to protect Basil, tackled him out of the way of a hunter who had taken a chunk of her arm. The red haired woman endured the pain and managed to kill the infected zombie, but her health had drastically failed.
"Uh, Ms. Orumov! I found some medicine maybe we can-"
"Save it new kid, you're going to need it." What? But...but...
"One bite is all it takes new kid. I thought you teenagers knew this shit about zombies? Ugh, I need a drink."
"Heh, you shouldn't drink so much sir."
"Nikita Orumov, you are a proud soldier and I was honored to be your leader. Rest easy now."
"I'll hold them off, you two just get to the safe house."
Suddenly, two people burst through the glass doors from the way we just came and took off towards us. Oh hey, one of them is Kong and the other is...a weird guy.
"Oh shit it's Basil! I mean...hey there Basil, how's it been?"
"You pissed on the walls and broke my windows again didn't you?"
"Uh..." Basil only face palmed as he groaned. "I REALLY want a drink." He said.
"Well, get one later! We got a major problem!" As in answer to that, something broke and several enraged cries echoed all around us.
...What the fuck did these two do? Piss on some witches?
"So Postal accidentally pissed on some witches." Son of a- "And they've been chasing us all the way here!"
"Well that's great! Must you fuck up everything? Ugh, let's just go already!"
"Say hello to my little friend." Postal suddenly said as he fired off several shots at the glass doors.
...Wow, seven dudes with four shots, not bad.
"Postal, are you..."
The man only nodded as he turned around and- HOLY SHIT! BUNCH OF PISSED OFF WITCHES!
"New kid, stop gawking and go. Nikita, I'll see you on the other side."
"Yes sir." Oh God, she's pale as fuck.
The three of us run off, Postal staying for some reason. Then I spot the bite mark on his neck. Ouch, that looks like it hurts.
The three of us clamber onto the elevator and hit the button that says safe house. Phew, almost safe.
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"Hey, Postal dude. You don't talk much do you?"
Nod.
"Uh, I see why you're friends with that lunatic. Well, can you do me a favor? Kill me...when I turn?"
Shake.
"What? Why not? It's my dying wish!"
The Postal man faced Nikita and in a rare display of emotion, smiled. Just then, the glass doors busted open and several of the witches charged at the two infected people.
Postal opened both flaps of his trench coat and smiled at the incoming witches. Each flap had at least ten grenades strapped to it, the pins pulled.
"I regret nothing."
BOOM!
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Ace laughed as the two losers suddenly appeared in his office. "Hit the showers, you're both done."
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Veta grunted as he charged forward and blasted his way through the weakling horde. He had been separated from his group a while back but didn't care. He was on a war path and he loved it!
"I feel young again!" Veta shouted as he killed more zombies.
"I'm so close to the safe house, I can taste it!"
Ace was watching this exchange on his monitors and steepled his fingers, Gendo style.
"Hmm, that old Mexican bastard has almost reached the safe house. Impressive." The man reached his hand forward and pressed a button on his panel.
BUTT RAPE-NO LUBE. ENGAGED.
Veta suddenly found himself surrounded by tanks.
"Aw shit! WELL, WITH MY LAST BREATH, I CURSE ACE!"
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FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK! Okay, running for my life and trying not to get eaten. THAT'S HARD AS HELL! Okay, met up with Rie and her friends and now all six of us are fighting against these damn monsters!
Well, trying to fight against them.
Ouch, the intern done tossed out the building.
"DON'T LOSE HOPE, WE'RE ALMOST THERE!" Basil roared as he fired at the horde.
"Damn it! I'm almost out!" Aussie shouted as he reloaded his rifle again.
Hell, I ran out minutes ago. I'm trying my best with a sword we found but GOD DAMN it sucks to get up close to undead bastards.
"I can see the door!" Rie shouted as she ninja vanished.
Wait, what?
Oh, she's grabbing guns from inside.
"Here!" She shouted as she tossed them to us. I caught mine with ease and started to unload into these sons of bitches.
The five of use had reached the doors, but Ace must've had wanted to only leave it at four survivors. Why do you ask? I suddenly find myself being violated by a tongue, that’s why.
"GET AWAY FROM HIM!" Oh lookie, Rie's saving me! Yay.
...Oh, wait, never mind. She can't do anything. I sigh deeply as I look at her dead in the eyes.
"Go, I'll...I'll be fine."
She doesn't get to say anything as Aussie grabs her from behind and drags her in. Basil and Kong fight off a few more and then slip in, my boss glancing at me before shutting the door.
"Well, easy way out I guess." I put the handgun with one bullet in the chamber to my forehead.
...Here's to hoping I don't go to hell.
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Post by Song Nai on Dec 4, 2010 1:34:04 GMT -6
Ugh, I'm starting to debate which would be worse. A normal 9-to-5 job or working at Living Dead. Both are paying the same amount, it's just that...well…how do I put this in simple terms? Oh I know, let me tell you about my first day of real work.
-MOTHERFUCKING FLASHBACK-
So all high, drunk, and mighty said my job would consist of being his slave boy, answering phone calls, and doing business reports and what not. Oh yeah, and I also act as his first line of defense every Tuesday. So it's my first day and I’m on phone call duty. The drunken bastard is playing darts off to the side and I'm getting pissed off because anyone who calls this guy is either an ex-wife, an ex-friend, someone trying to kill him, a cult leader, a Russian person, or a wrong number. You got three guesses to choose which type of call takes the longest and the first two don't count.
I'll give you a hint; it's the last one on the list...
SO! This is why I'm questioning working here.
"Mr. Basil, your ex-wife is calling to say she is currently en route to the building and is with an entourage of several heavily armed men. Orders?" Whenever a threat comes on, I'm supposed to ask him for 'orders'.
"...I have an ex-wife?" Facepalm.
"Uh, yes."
"Shit, err...tell her I'm not there" Double facepalm.
"Um Sir? There's a red laser pointer on the side of your head...should I alert Ms. Nikita?" Oh yeah, Ms. Nikita is also Basil's secretary but her main job is bodyguard.
"FUCK!" He ungracefully dives under his desk as a single bullet shoots through the window. "Yes, send Ms Orumov out to...show them the door" He adopted a thoughtful face. "In the most violent manner possible!"
...Is this guy drunk or senile? I can't tell.
"...Um sir? You sent Ms. Nikita on a lunch break minutes ago....she won't answer her phone." The most annoying thing about Nikita besides her being a bitch to me, she's never here when the situation can easily be solved by her.
"Merde...I guess I'll have to go out. Get Ludmila Makhvatov to accompany me."
Who the fuck is Ludmila? Oh shit, is that gunfire and screams I hear on the phone?
"Um...Sir? They stormed the building...also; Ace is glaring at me again so I think that means I shouldn't do anything."
OH GOD, OH GOD, PLEASE STOP, THIS ISN'T MY FAULT!
"Stormed? Damn it! Prepare for defensive maneuvers!" He slams his hand down upon a big red button which activates the apartment's air raid sirens...or in other words, his "Fuck, we're under attack so you're all going to die" button. "Get ready to die for the department!" See what I mean?
"Damn it Basil! How many times do I have to tell you! Stop bringing your domestic problems to work! Ugh, just for this, NO MORE BEER FOR A WEEK!"
The worst thing about Ace besides his whole fear inducing presence and his glares, he has the ability to project himself directly and anywhere in the building. Yeah, really sucks for the people in the bathroom who are trying to get some privacy.
"Shaddap Ace, this is not your war!" Basil takes the time to aim and shoot someone in the face with his AK-74.
...The sounds of fighting outside sound kinda in our favor...but that's only because Kong bought his flamethrower to work today.
"Um Sir...the first wave has fallen but I think we lost half the department." What's that ringing noise?
Oh my phone! Thank God Nikita can finally...OH SHIT.
"Sir, your ex-wife has killed anyone of significant status...including Ms. Nikita and Ludmila. Proof of this would be this vivid picture of heads on pikes. Also, she's flashing you the middle finger."
Oh don't worry about those two, they'll be back. Also, I can't even remember the face of my ex-wife so nothing is wrong..."
God damn I'm working under a lunatic. The only reason I haven't jumped out the window yet is probably because Ace has threatened to chop off my balls if I ever dare leave the building for whatever reason, even lunch. So long as I'm on the clock, I'm in here. Oh look, another text message.
"...Sir? Your ex-wife is here to see you..."
"Sigh...bring it on, then, bring it on." Basil takes the time to load an AN-94.
Hmm, that gun might just kill her in time....another text message? What now?
...GOD FUCKING DAMN IT. IT HASN'T EVEN BEEN 20 MINUTES AND I'M GOING TO GET BLOWN UP. FUCKING GOD DAMN IT ALL TO HELL! Ugh, well I at least can go out with a calm even tone.
"It was an honor to work under you for...10 minutes. Also, she's coming in here via suicide bombing so you better get in your last drink before Ace get's a hold of you."
Boss man actually takes my advice and finishes the bottle of vodka he had been nursing since this morning. He then reaches under his desk for a bottle of aged wine and breaks off a small part of the nozzle on the bottle and then drains the liquid inside as quickly as inhumanely possible.
"Awright, mes amis, let's give the old whore what she deserves"
Hmm...I wonder who will come to my funeral. I wonder if my brother would point and laugh as he stuffs his face with popcorn shrimp like he said he would. Oh well, it seems me and Basil are the only two left in this entire floor...I should have asked for some of that alcohol he had. Probably had made things easier for my mind. I inform Basil of our current status.
"We'll replace them. The fact that they died shows they were not worthy." The man then pulls another bottle of vodka outta of nowhere and starts to guzzle that one too.
It's at this moment the door bursts open and a woman holding several explosives in her hands come charging in at us.
...I'm surprised I haven't soiled myself...yet.
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Post by Song Nai on Dec 11, 2010 23:13:13 GMT -6
"Mind telling me why I'm blind folded again?"
So hey there again, nice meeting you. What's my situation right now? Oh nothing seriously. I was just busy organizing some paperwork for Basil and shouting at Kong to fuck off with that flamethrower of his when Rie suddenly ninja appears from the shadows of the closet. For some fucking reason, it's right behind me so she manages to restrain me long enough to tie up my hands and blind fold me.
Currently, I think someone else besides Rie is carrying me to God knows where. I can tell Rie is nearby because her cell phone hasn't stopped chiming from texts.
"Oh nowhere silly. Just a little something that Ace thought would be one of the, and I quote, "Rare few gestures that I ever will believe I am capable of even giving out to those worthless idiots". Oh and I hope you know how to sing.
Buh? Why? Holy crap, he's not having me sing horrible songs to a random crowd of strangers for amusement is he?
---
Somewhere, a demon lord sneezed.
"Damn it, someone has figured out one of my most torturous of punishments. I must do something about this...But first, some entertainment."
The demon lord turned to the stage where an old man in a pink tutu with shiny stockings was crying while dancing and singing to a crowd of other demons.
---
"...So we're not doing anything crazy and stupid other than sing and dance right?"
The nervous tone in my voice was probably enough to alert Rie to what the problem was and she only giggled.
"Don't worry silly. I've been to two other parties like this before; Ace usually doesn't pull anything until you really piss him off."
The person carrying me grunted before shifting me upon his shoulders.
"Damn boy, what the hell do you Chinamen eat nowadays?"
...That voice sounds strangely familiar...then again, it sounds like something from a God damn war film.
You know, the ones where the generals or heroes are always brask and awesome with their manly voice? Kinda like that.
Well, after being manhandled for roughly twenty long ass minutes, the person carrying me heaves me down upon a chair and HOLY SHIT MULTIPLE GLARES, GAH, GO AWAY!
"This guy is the new kid? Hmph, my bears wouldn't even bother to take a bite out of him..."
Oh God...
"Bah, I can sense some virtues from the boy, he is fine."
...Okay?
"Hehehehehe, let's hope he passes the test!"
Test, what test?
The blindfold is ripped off by a cold hand and I take a few seconds to readjust my eyes before blinking rapidly at the sight before me.
Aces...a bunch of them...and not as in cards either! I'm talking about Ace as the person! He's been cloned into several different things! AND THEY'RE ALL GLARING AT ME!
The most fearful one, the one that I met on my first day, tossed a twenty sided dice to me.
"What am I supposed to do with these?" Must...keep...calm...must...not...soil...underpants.
"Roll for initiative."
...I think my mental preparations were just shattered beyond repair.
"Well, what are you waiting for? Time is money and you're burning both!" Ace in the robe said.
Oh fuck it, what's the worst that could happen?
"Oh and if you roll anything lower than 20, I'm gutting you like a fish." Said what I presumed was the version of Ace where his body was made up of this white cloth.
Whether his eyes were candles or just glowing like that, I will never freaking know.
Gulping as silently as I could, which was not much, I rolled.
The dice landed against the table and started to roll and spin around and around and around and around for at least thirty seconds.
Finally it stopped.
On a twenty.
THANK YOU GOD!
"Damn, what are the chances?" The ranger version of Ace said.
"About 1 in 20." Cloth version said.
"Lucky little whelp. Well then, it seems you have passed the test of virtue."
"Hmm, maybe you aren't a debt but a profit!"
"SILENCE!" The Demon version of Ace spoke.
"I believe it is time to introduce him to what we do around here."
The others were sweating but visibly relaxed before they all looked at me expectantly. I guess I was to go first in introductions.
"Um...I am Song Nai..."
"Hmph, get rid of that stutter boy. Here in this land, we only seek the strong. I am Ace the Grey Warden. All blight and dark spawn are my concern, so do not be alarmed if you are besieged by hordes of them. All of them will fall before my mighty blade."
"Bah, enough talking you grisly bastard. I'm NCR Ranger Ace. I'm in charge of making sure everyone here is not treading on the bears and that they are working together. Of course, the only victims ever recorded in history were the ones that actually SURVIVED the bear mauling."
I think I just soiled myself.
"Strangeh, you better learn to control yourself. I am Ace the Merchant, at your service. Of course, a waste of space like you is only good for cheap manual labor and other useless task, so don't expect to be getting any TRUE weapons like the ones I got."
The next Ace stared at me with those glowing eyes of his before pulling a pie out of nowhere. He flicked his arm forward and back and had cut off a moderate slice of pie that had been moved onto a plate. He slid the dessert over to me.
"Don't speak to me until you have the pie, boy."
Not one to question someone who could easily kill me, I picked up the plate and looked around for some silverware.
"Eat with your hands, you prissy fuck."
Sighing, I picked the pie up with two fingers and started to scoop the pastry into my mouth. Hey, it's actually decent. Soon, the pie disappeared and I licked my fingers clean. One of the Aces pulled out a napkin and thankfully passed it to me.
"Kekekekeke, oh boy, this is interesting. I haven't met a human yet who could eat my pie with little to no trouble in a long time! Hehehehe! Anyways, my name is Candlejack Ace. Never say my name without having the pie first, or else you can say bye-bye to your internal organs."
I nodded and turned to the final Ace. My boss. He was concealed in robes with a hood blocking his face with shadows. He had produced a cigarette from somewhere and stuck it into the place where I assume his mouth is. No one offered the man a lighter or match or anything.
I was about to ask if anyone was going to help him with his cancer inducing stick before he snapped his fingers and his cigarette was aglow with fire. The brief burst of flame illuminated his face long enough for me to catch his beady red eyes, the horns on his head along with this demonic looking crown, and the scar that adorned his face that stretched from his left eye brow through his nose and ended at the corner of his mouth.
"I am known as Demon Lord Ace, your master and your leader. If for one second you no longer become useful to me, I shall dispose of you.
Note to self: Demon Lord Ace can and will fuck you up and any of your shit up right. Never mess with him.
P.S. Change underpants later
"Well then...I guess it's time for the real reason we bought you here."
Buh?
"IT'S TIME TO PARTY!"
Suddenly, the entire room explodes in a bright flash of light and I open my eyes a second later to see that we had been moved to some kid of bigger and more festive room.
Oh and everyone was there.
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Post by Song Nai on Jan 19, 2011 22:32:59 GMT -6
So apparently Ace has a fellowship with two other people that aren’t his clones. Names are Rai and Sylar. Rai is the living embodiment of the half assed slave driving Resident Evil badass dude you could ever meet. Sure if you ask to buy something from him, he's going to have to flash you...yeah...at least he's got several stuff that blocks his…you know. Now onto Sylar, one of the nicer and probably saner guys around here.
He's like the second coming of Jesus only better. Dude is super nice, really helpful, and actually can stop Ace if he had too. Most of the time he doesn't have too because he's too late to do so but I digress. So after the little office party where everyone got drunk or sang a random ass selection of songs, it was time to sign off work and go home to sleep off the damn hangover that I shouldn't be experiencing.
"All right you lazy slobs, back to work!" ...Wha?
The Demon Lord Ace snaps his fingers and suddenly the darkness outside retreats and the sun comes back up. Several people groan as I just stare in disbelief at what the man, er, demon just did.
"Hey Chink, get your ass back to your little cell before I decide to let Candle Jack Ace loose on your ass."
That got me running like hell. Especially when I saw said Ace pull out some knives.
Some poor unfortunate now shanked bastards are crying out in pain while I manage to escape with Basil, Kong, and a Mexican dude following us. Dude's dressed up in some military uniform with a strap on kit attached to his hip. The big Red Cross might mean he's a doctor of some kind.
"Gah fuck! Damn that Ace! He couldn't let me collect the leftover bottles of alcohol before unleashing his knife happy counterpart! All that booze, wasted!"
"Oh shut your trap you damn Frenchman. Hearing you squabble is annoying me." The Mexican yells.
"Up yours, Veta."
Okay, so it seems this Veta person is another person not to mess with. I make sure to add his name to my mental list of people not to fuck with. This includes Rie, The Aces, Rai, Basil, Kong when he's armed, Kong when he has friends, Postal Dude whenever, any of Basil's ex-wives, and let’s not forget Rai's animal friends. Oh yeah, did I mention Rai has the ability to summon ANY animal to his beck and call?
"OH FUCK! LOOK OUT! EXPLODING COW!" OH SHIT WTF?!
As luck would have it, Basil's warning meant something as all four of us dodged the explosive bovine. Apparently Rai's joined in the game of hunt down the drunken and hopeless slaves.
"God damn it! If only Postal was here! He would do the most awesomeness thing to deflect these damn cows!" Kong roars.
"Did someone say my name?" GAH WTF? WHERE DID HE COME FROM!
The insane yet emotionless bastard that is known as Postal had just walked out of some random room holding a...
... ... ... ...Is that a broom stick with several still squirming bodies ducted taped to it?
The man ignores my look of complete and utter WTF and rushes past us to bat a cow out of the building where it harmlessly exploded in an orphanage that I hoped was empty.
--- "Hmm, it seems that one of my workers has made good on a promise of fresh orphan blood and tears has just succeeded in his job." Ace mused as he stared out into the streets where several small little children were running around, screaming in pain while the fire ate away at whatever flesh they had to offer.
---
"Thanks for the save man! Come on, the bridge is just up ahead!"
By now, this group of still alive workers has reached the bridge that connects the two buildings. Veta split off from us earlier and I hope he's okay. I mean, he's our only doctor on site right?
...My sudden musings lead me to think that Veta works in the upper management building meaning he does something important...I wonder what?
"COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!"
OH FUCK! NO WANT NO WANT! I LIKE MY STEAKS MEDIUM RARE AND NOT TRYING TO KILL ME THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
Somewhere off in the distance, Rai stood in his office staring down at the pamphlet in his hand.
"Hmm...I wonder if this island will fare better against Leon Kennedy. God knows that annoying blonde prick will be the end of me. Oh sure he's good business but not if the fucker manages to unlock his bullshit typewriter gun. I swear he hasn't talked to me since." The man muttered before turning to a single wall in his office and clapping his hands.
~Donkey, Tiny, Lanky, Diddy, Chunky!~
"H-H-H...Here we go! So they're finally here, performing for you If you know the words, you can join in too Put your hands together if you want to clap As we take you through this fun-ky rap! HUH!"
Rai slipped off his Merchant robe and snapped his fingers to have his party clothes suddenly teleport onto his body.
The man started to laugh insanely as he clapped his hands along to the beat.
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Post by Song Nai on Sept 6, 2012 16:50:27 GMT -6
I REPRESENT THE LOLLYPOP GUILD!
"My Lord and Master! The tearful orphan and general welfare of worker slaves union Representative is here!"
Demon Lord Ace, his hand full of his daily mug of blood, Azn sweat, and orphan tears, looked up past the very sexy sight of his secretary giving him a lap dance.
"You have until it takes my lovely little kunoichi here to break out her usual kinky sex gear to explain yourself on why I SHOULD GIVE A FUCK!"
The unnamed peasant trembled before he stuttered, "They have missionaries."
"OF THE GODS?!" Ace roared as he jumped up.
"Ow!" Rie said from the ground.
"Oh, sorry. Quickly put on your panties babe, I think shit just got real."
=Front Entrance=
"So halfway through blowing me, the hooker goes and OD's on heroin!"
"I very much don't like discussing my ex-girlfriend with you brother."
"I mean, I still finished but what the fuck was that?"
"Dear God Jude, think of mother!"
The two brothers, dressed up in holy robes and bearing symbols of the gracious Lord, continued down the depressing path to the HQ of the company of LivingDead workers.
"...I ain't jerking off right now."
=Azn Slave Unit=
I look around as several people scurry about while tearing down posters of Ace's mottos and sayings. Normally I would agree with doing so because well...most of them are racial slurs and completely offensive but I very much still like having the ability to walk. The strange thing is, Ace hasn't done his patented glare of death yet so either he's busy or it's Wednesday morning.
"Song! Get your ass into gear man!" Kong, the Head of the Department of Destruction, shouts at me as he somehow loads a shotgun, machine gun, and three pistols in the span of five seconds.
"The fuck is going on? Did Veta let out the killer mutant apes again?"
"Worse than that! We got missionaries incoming!"
"Missionaries? You mean like priests who represent God?"
"No I'm obviously talking about those damn missionaries representing carpenters! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK!"
"Of course they come with the message of the Gods."
"Oh hey Postal Guy. You got my mail?"
The smiling shirt emotionless dude calmly hands me a package full of magnum rounds.
"...Well these are nice but they didn't answer my question."
"Who fucking cares! C'mon! The watchtowers are over in the main building!"
I followed the mob of running workers as everyone grabbed a gun and started to prepare for what seemed like a war. The large group nearly trampled over each other as they fought to get to the watch towers that somehow magically appeared outside the main building. Veta had commandeered a small select group of lazy bastards from Tbone's place and started to strap about two to three tons of C4 to their chests.
Aussie with his legal department were running around like headless chickens as they somehow worked like a big ass printer and started working out massive sheets of numbers and figures that I hoped had something to do with the company and not another one of his dance routines. Rie herself was armed to the teeth with ninja combat gear and hopping around like the energizer bunny after snorting coke.
The biggest surprise though was the big man himself wearing overly spiky armor and calling forth a huge ass legion of demons from beyond the nether world to fight for him.
I shivered at the thought of the upcoming battle. What's so freaking scary that has someone like ACE calling in backup?
"All right people, listen the fuck up! We got missionaries inbound! And to make sure none of those sons of bitches get anywhere close enough to my land, I want roving death squads around the perimeter 24-7! I want 10,000 tough scary ass demons, and I want 10,000 soft fleshy guys to make the tough demons look tougher! And here's how I want them arranged: tough, soft, tough, tough, soft, tough, soft, soft, tough, tough, soft, soft, tough, soft, tough, soft! ANY MOTHERFUKA THAT STEPS OUT OF LINE DIES!"
"Um sir we have-"
FWOOSH!
...I didn't know Ace had the power to spontaneously light people on fire...
Oh shit, he's looking at me. Better get my ass in line!
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