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Post by The Merchant on Feb 14, 2011 21:32:30 GMT -6
BOOK 1THE PHOTOGRAPHER'S STONE CHAPTER 1 [/b] [/u] [/center] "And remember kids! Wingardium Leviosaaaaa!" The midget teacher preached to the innocent young English children. He waved his hard wand at the eleven year olds and let the magic flow out, then shit began floating around. The kids were in awe of the magic that flowed out of the wand, specifically Hermione. She was especially interested in wands and how they worked. Meanwhile on a mountain in southwest Asia, Dumbledore lay dormant holding his wand. He was preparing for the ultimate spell to kill evil shit everywhere, but he needed to find his magic stool softener, ya know? Anyway he took the pill and went to sleep, cuz the pill took a few hours to work. So there he lay next to a hairy shirtless sherpa man holding his wand and snoring. Unsurprisingly this was not the first time he'd been in this situation, and would most definitely not be the last. Anyway back to the kids and their magic shit. The midget showed the kids how to make the magic flow out of their wands by mastering the power within ®. Hermione had particularly good experience with handling wands, and got the magic flowing immediately. Soon everyone got the magic flowing in some horrific magic orgy. But anyway back to the sherpas. Dumbledore woke up and spat the hair out of his mouth. It was goat hair. From the goat that was standing directly on top of him. Dumbledore threw the goat off the mountain and stretched outside. It was gonna be a long day of wand handling, because the spell required to banish all evil from the world needed some fucking experience. Experience Dumbledore already had, being the Chuck Norris of magic and such. Dumbledore turned to the sherpa. "Hey you! Bitch whore! Your goat pissed on my shit!" "Maybe you should keep your shit away from my goat, slut." the Sherpa replied "I'm pretty sure my shit is more important than your goat." "Hey fuck you, that goat is my wife." "Your mom is my wife." Dumbledore muttered. "What the fuck did you say?" The old man reached for his ice pick. Dumbledore grabbed his shit and ran. Nobody fucks with old man Wang. Anyway Dumbledore scaled the top of the mountain and took out his wand. It appeared as though the magic was flowing tonight, due to a magical new drug for magical dysfunction produced by phenotrans known as myimmortagra ® ( Stiffen your basilisk!©) After a couple of hours Dumbledore totes finished the spell and summoned zombies and shit.
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Post by PirateWolf12 on Feb 14, 2011 21:57:55 GMT -6
“Off with your head Dance dance dance 'til you're dead Off Off Off with your head.”Some random girls sang. The entire glee club, plus football players who were there for plot reasons you don’t care about, were all dressed as zombies and shit except that in-the-closet fag guy Karofsky who gay-bashed the gay kid, Gay Kid, because he wanted to push his Solid Snake through Kurt’s double doors. Disgusting, filthy Karofksy or however you spell his stupid name. ”It's close to midnight and something evil's lurking in the dark Under the moonlight, you see a sight that almost stops your heart You try to scream but terror takes the sound before you make it (Heads will roll, Heads will roll) You start to freeze as horror looks you right between the eyes You're paralysed.””'Cause this is thriller, thriller night And no one's gonna save you from the beast about strike You know it's thriller, thriller night You're fighting for your life inside a killer, thriller tonight.”Fuckin’ Wheels. The disgusting wheelchair kid sang. He was horrible. Stupid. His name was Wheels and he was a fuckup doche bag wigger gamer. Nobody lieks Wheels. Fucking Wheels. Disgusting, failed abortion. Stupid, filthy, awful Wheels. He cheapens all their dance performances and dresses like an old lesbian. Thank God he stopped singing, as it was now time for the only person with talent, Santana, to sing. ”You hear the door slam and realize there's nowhere left to run You feel the cold hand and wonder if you'll ever see the sun You close your eyes and hope that this is just imagination (Heads will roll, Heads will roll) But all the while you hear the creature creeping up behind You're out of time!””Thriller, thriller night There ain't no second chance against the thing with forty eyes, girl Thriller, thriller night You're fighting for your life inside a killer, thriller tonight.””Off with your head Dance dance dance 'til you're dead Off Off Off with your head Dance dance dance 'til you're dead.”They finished, the author cutting off Finnocence’s shitty part. Finnocence can’t sing for shit, but does all the time unfortunately. He also ruined Proud Mary by giving a shout out to Wheels. Fuckin’ Wheels. Fuckin’ Finnocence. HOLY FUCKING SHIT ZOMBIES. The football team became zombies. The fuckin’ audience fuckers became zombies. Only the glee club was spared. Well, nearly. “Quick!” Brittany S. Pierce the dumb cheerleader with a heart of gold and legs that don’t stop said. “We need to escape the zombies.” She knew what zombies were and what was happening, good for her. She jumped on to Wheels’ lap, beckoned her lesbian lover Santana over and the three rode away, being quickly followed by the other members and then ZOMBIES OMG. The Fantastic Hippopotamus, who is only there because Gay Kid ran off crying like a little bitch to another school (oh, he’s dead now BTW), fell down, crushing Aretha the slightly slimmer chick who was black and that’s her whole personality. The two were immediately eaten by zombies. “Jump, Santanny!” Brittany cried, grabbing her friend and jumping off Wheel’s lap as he sped off a cliff that just so happened to be at the end of a football field. Wheels flew off, exploding into flames and dying. The remaining glee club quickly came together. “You suck, Finnocence.” Brittany said. “We have to fleeeeee! How about we go to our rival school, Hogwarts. It’s just over that cliff, past that forest and through that lake of dragons and zombies!” “How will we get there?” Asked Man Hands Rachel, the diva BITCH. “I’ll help.” It was………………………FRANK WEST. He was wearing nothing but a mankini, exposing his manly chest. “No. I’LL HELP.” Said Chuck Greene, also in a mankini but he could pull it off better. He had a more manlier chest.
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Post by The Merchant on Feb 16, 2011 19:57:30 GMT -6
Neville leaped on a table. "I think I LOVE ya, Hermione!" He fell on top of Hermione and hugged her. "Get off me you BLOODY FAT WANKAH." Hermione responded with harsh British witticisms. She pushed Neville out of the classroom. "HA. FILTHY MUDBLOOD CAUNT EVEN HANDLE A RETARD LIKE NEVILLE. HA. HA. Laugh with me, fellow undesirable children in the classroom!" Crab and Goyle began halfheartedly chuckling, but everyone else was too busy applauding Hermione to notice. "Now class! Calm the fuck down! We must let mister Longbottom back in." The Midget teacher waddled over to the door and opened it. The back fur of his dwarfstache stood on end. "Why, mister Longbottom! What happened to your leg? Or your entire bottom torso for that matter?" "I guess I forgot it. HARDEE HAR HAR." "Hey Neville! Why don't you STEP IN and tell us what happened?" "Say Neville, what size shoe do you wear?" "Yo Neville! Teach us how to moonwalk!" "Neville! Want to go out with me on a tap dancing date? OH WAIT LOL" Hermione said. "Hey Neville, you suck." The last one was from Neville's mother who was passing by. The teacher simply made a wheelchair appear out of fucking nowhere. He placed Neville on the wheelchair and continued class. After another lecture on proper conduct with wands, the teacher let the students go. They were greeted by zombies and the zombies began feasting on the nameless students who always seem to die first. "FOOK YOU CHAVS. I CAUNT BE EATEN OR MY MUM WILL KEEEEL ME." Hermione screamed as she used her wand to produce shotgun blasts and clear the way for the important characters. After roaming the halls which were coated in the intestines and gray matter of their classmates and friends, the surviving students reached the Gryffindor common room. Draco had shit his pants. Crab and Goyle were holding each other and bawwing. Harry took his knife out and began cutting the shape of a broken heart in his wrist, and Ron was busy hitting puberty. Meanwhile Hermione read some books or some shit, I don't know. She's a fucking nerd. Anyway they held out there until the next chapter of the book involving them arrived. Dumbledore looked around. Looked like he did some shit, but he wasn't sure. He teleported back to his office and read porn for awhile until the next chapter in the series.
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Post by PirateWolf12 on Feb 16, 2011 20:18:10 GMT -6
Fuckin’ Man-Hands Diva Bitch began to sing for no reason, as if she was in the choir room or walking down a school corridor. ”Come on girls, do you believe in love? 'Cause I got something to say about it And it goes something like this!”
”Don't go for second best baby Put your love to the test You know, you know, you've got to Make him express how he feels And maybe then you'll know your love is real.”Suddenly all the girls began to sing to enable themselves or some shit. Advocatin'! ONE OF THESE GIRLS IS NOW DEAD AND TWO SHALL FOLLOW. ”You don't need diamond rings or eighteen karat gold Fancy cars that go very fast You know they never last, no, no What you need is a big strong hand To lift you to your higher ground Make you feel like a queen on a throne Make him love you till you can't come down.”
”Don't go for second best baby Put your love to the test You know, you know, you've got to Make him express how he feels And maybe then you'll know your love is real.”
”To express yourself you've got to make him Express himself hey hey hey hey So if you want it right now, make him show you how Express what he's got, oh baby ready or not!!!”Their random singing break allowed the zombies to catch up, the dumb feminist BITCHES RAH ALL THE FAT CHICKS ARE DEAD. “Oh no! Zombies!” The ever so observant Preggers Christian chaste bitch said. A zombie immediately grabbed hold of Asian, and bit into her jugular. She cried, her boyfriend, Other Asian, cried too. Lots of crying. A zombie almost attacked Santana, but she shot it’s face with her fists. Frank and Chuck tackled a few zombies to the ground in their mankinis and it was kind of hot. Lips the blonde guy who is secretly gay for Kurt got ate but nobody really cares. “We’re getting surrounded!” Preggers bitch said. She truly is observant. “I have an idea.” Brittany said. “CANDLEJACK!” “How will that hel-“ Chuck was about to ask, but before he could finish a cloaked figure ran passed, grabbed Brittany with one hand and was gone. The smarter ones I give a damn about; Santana, Puckasaurus, Finnocence, Chuckini, Frankini, and Man-Hands Diva-Bitch, all followed and were kidnapped to safety. The others, like Other Asian and Preggers died horribly. They found Brittany waiting for them in Hogsmeade. “Look! We’re almost at the school! We’re totes safe now,” she said, oblivious to hundred or so zombies around them ,eating the villagers. “Before we go, we should get a drink!” Puckasaurus said, pointing at the Hog’s Head pub which was littered with dead bodies on the outside sidewalk. "Yes. Brittany said. "If we get drunk enough, perhaps i shall sing a song by the brilliant and talented Ke$ha. That was a good idea, so the group entered the building.
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