Post by PirateWolf12 on Jun 17, 2011 22:42:07 GMT -6
A Truly Depressing Tale of Romance and Woe: Also, Vampires
User Rating: FOUR NOSES!?!?!?!
Directed by: Uwe Boll (Yeah, him)
Writing credits:
Tara Gilesbie (original story)
Uwe Boll (written by) and
Bryan C. Knight (written by)
Release Date: 6 July 2006 (Iran) See more
Genre: Drama | Awful chick flick | Euthanasia | Romance | Putting women back in the kitchen where they belong | Indie | "Comedy"
Tagline: When you can live forever, how do you keep your style fresh?
Plot: Ex-pimp, Goth vampire and anti-Semite Rie-ella LaJaundrah (America Ferrera) gets the shock of her life when she's accepted into the mysterious wizarding school of Hogwarts. Naturally, things don't go to plan as she and her Gothic attitude cause all kinds of mischief with the new headmaster (Murphy)! But soon she finds herself in a love triangle with an Emo fellow vampire named Ace Diabolo (Gerard Butler) and chipper bi-sexual werewolf Vanelicious (LeBron James) with a thing for toddlers. And if things couldn't get any worse, what's with all these mysterious student deaths and 70-foot long snake skins lying around the place?
Plot Keywords: Unicorn rampage | Guro pornography | Bucket of cat sack dropped onto a professor | Werewolf mauling baby | Hair in a bucket | Watching this but wishing you were being buried alive instead | Swapping gynecologist's tools with wand | Sexually swallowed by giant snake | UFO wast he cause of it | Unnecessary Godzilla rampage scene | Fatty becoming best friends with goth girl |
Awards: 14 MTV movie awards, but they don't count.
206 Razzies
User Reviews: Does Boll pull it off? No. Did I feel anything? No. But did I laugh? OH MY GOD NO. See more
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Cast Overview
America Ferrera.............Rie-ella LaJaundrah
Eddie Murphy.................Headmaster Gryphz "Wit It" Rouge.
Gerard Butler.................Ace Diabolo
LeBron James................Vanelicious
Lindsay Hollister............Chavvy England
Richard Ayoade.............Professor Boooosh
Liam Neeson.................Professor Sleazy
Dakota Fanning............Professor Short-tay
Lindsey Taylor..............Brittany #2
Lindsii Tahlur................Brittany #7
Landsy Thalor...............Brittany #3
Nicholas Hoult..............Bland, non-super love interest.
See more
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Additional Details
Also known as: VAMPIREZZZZ; The Twilgiht Saga: X-Flare (original working title); Harry Potter and The Chamber Of Tits And Ass (Germany)
Runtime: 146 mins / 4 minutes (males and women over 12 only)
Country: USA (shame)
Language: Tugged Heartstrings and wet seats
Colour: Dreary like England
Aspect Ratio: 2.35:1:100
Sound Mix: Autotuning from the Ke$ha Talentless Whore Range
MOVIEmeter: 5 billion since the gay rape scene
Certification: US: Queen's List (senile era) / Japan: Panty Vending Machines only / Australia: The pouch of a territorial kangaroo
Filming Locations: Chavvy London
Company: Terrible Movies Made By Terrible People For Terrible Audiences
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Did You Know?
Trivia
- [Director trademark] Poisoning someone by putting a leopard in their soup (First revenge montage after Rie-ella becoming best friends for ever with Chavvy and attack the preppy Gryffindors)
- [Director trademark] Being a shit movie made by a shit director and ruining the promising careers of upcoming stars.
- After seeing this movie on it's premier in Detroit, Uwe Boll's wife left him. Four days later, the German country asked him to never return to his homeland.
Goofs:
[Everything] - 00:00:00 to 02:26:45
[Errors in geography] - Despite taking place in England, only three characters are shown as English. Sunlight can also be seen in the background, something that geographical region is known to not have.
Memorable Quotes:
Sindii: Hey Die-ella! Your hair is streaked with an unnatural colour and I don't care for your outfits. I'm head bitch around here. YOU WANNA START SOMETHIN'?
*Rie decapitates her*
Professor Sleazy: Oh Rie, you're wonderful and the most Gothic person and you definitely deserve to be loved by a bass player from My Chemical Romance.
Ace Diabolo: Oh Rie, you're wonderful and the most Gothic person and you definitely deserve to be loved by a bass player from My Chemical Romance.
Vanelicious: Oh Rie, you're wonderful and the most Gothic person and you definitely deserve to be loved by a bass player from My Chemical Romance.
Bland, non-super love interest: Oh Rie, you're wonderful and the most Gothic person and you definitely deserve to be loved by a bass player from My Chemical Romance.
Rie-ella LaJaundrah (looking into a mirror): Oh Rie, you're wonderful and the most Gothic person and you definitely deserve to be loved by a bass player from My Chemical Romance.
Vanelicious (repeated line): Is that a...*licks lips* baby!?
Rie-ella LaJaundrah (repeated line): I WAS RAISED IN THE BRONX. YOU WANNA START SOMETHIN'? I WAS RAISED IN DAH BRONX. NSWEARNA EACH!
Chavvy England: It's not on the outside that counts, but what's on the inside. You taught me that. Thanks, Rie.
Rie-ella LaJaundrah: SHUT UP, FATTY. LET'S GO CRUISE HOGSMEADE AND GIVE PEOPLE HIV!
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