Post by AceTheMercenary on Jul 27, 2011 12:10:47 GMT -6
My Immortal: Chapters 23 - 44 Review
By John Chandos
By John Chandos
(Continuing the review Rai made of the first 22 chapters decades ago.)
As errybodeh knows, My Immortal is the worst piece of fanfiction to ever be debuted from that god-awful site, Fanfiction.net.
Our first chapter starts off innocently enough, with people talking about something called the Misery of Magic, because apparently if you have the ability to conjure fireballs and tear down someone's house with your mind, you must be miserable about it.
Anyway, the sentence-long opening of the chapter ends and the protagonist opens her always-changing colored eyes (Seriously? They change every other chapter) to find a large group of people crowding her room and of course wearing their family-friendly slut attire, as errybody does in this story.
In case you were wondering, they looked sorta like this.
After a short conversation between Ebony and Draco only (Why the fuck did practically every character in this fucked up story need to be in the room in this case?) which is filled with text speech and comments about being 'erective', we are introduced to a few more characters, namely 'Cornelia Fuck', the Minister of Magic, and................gasp..................THE BARK LORD!
Although something tells me he's not as scary as we think.
So anyway, as it turns out, Egogy is the only one at the school who is capable of killing the Bark Lord. The next day our dysfunctional family of characters share is, as usual, derpy, with Draco and Vampire fighting over who would get to shit next to Enoby and Volxemort flying in on a magic pinga with his faux English accent and threatening to murder people and someone peering into balls and JESUS TITTY FUCK I DON'T KNOW STOP ASKING ME ALL THESE SHITTY QUESTIONS FUCKIN' PREPZ.
I will fucking LATHE you, preps.
One horribly written sex scene later, we are treated to something special: Tara Gilesbie's own brand of RACISM, where in one of her character's 'visions' a black guy performs a hate crime on two goffs, shooting them to death and then raping the corpses before 'running away in a red car', presumably to attempt to rob a bank because Tara clearly hates black people and thinks every single one of them is a thief, rapist, murderer, or some fucked up combination of the three.
Pictured: What Gilesbie probably thinks a criminal is. How DARE he steal that Nobel prize?
So anyway, boring shit happens, leading up to someone filming a secks tape of Draco and Enoby. This, in turn, leads to Vampire and Snap having a retarded fight with guns because fuck you, this may be a school of magic but we can still pop caps in people's asses without any magical assistance whatsoever. Despite standing no more than two inches apart, however, neither of them are able to shoot each other, which leads me to believe that whatever country this fic takes place in should enact stricter gun control laws immediately to keep glocks out of the hands of retards.
More boring shit happens because I could barely read through all the misspelled words, including, but not limited to rape, constant misuse of the word 'kawaii' (Seriously? I don't even speak fucking Wapanese yet I still know how that word is used), and more slutty attire that's sure to leave the conservatives with a warm, fuzzy feeling.
Even John McFail grimaces at this fic.
It is then decided that Enoby must go back in time to seduce Volxemort because derp, sex and time travel apparently fixes everything. Fucking Tom Bombadil from the Lord of the Rings also makes a brief cameo around this time as, you guessed it, a Satanist. Satan, if he truly exists, must be happy thanks to all these new, if retarded, cult members. Professor Sinister also makes a 'startling' revelation around this time: she is addicted to 'Volxemort Serum'.
Which I'm pretty sure is just goffik slang for cocaine.
Boring shit happens again, Enoby meets Vampire's father who is also a Satanist and a bunch of other shit that I honestly couldn't bother detailing. Marty fuckin' McFly from Back to the Future (who, need I even add, is also a goth) also shows up here with his time-traveling car to 'save the day'. It's never truly explained as to why he's even in the story, but I'm guessing he's just there for the same reason Tom Bombadil is: to sell drugs and used condoms to the goffik students at the school.
It's probably a good thing they're selling condoms, if they are. From what I gather through all of the misspellings, basically everyone is fucking everyone at this point, as is seen by the sex scene between Enoby and what I guess was Vampire's dad in the past. Anyway, shit happens, Snap finally figured out how to possess himself (Yeah, you read that right. He possessed HIMSELF), and Enoby gets a cap popped in her ass. (Non-sexual this time. She was actually shot.) But before anyone starts crying tears of joy, the bullet apparently couldn't kill her, because fuck you, 'she was from another time' and she's also an indestructible Mary Sue.
So instead you're going to have to cry tears of anger and sadness, because we aren't finished yet, ladies and gentlemen.
Then............gasp.................Enoby finds out that Draco has cheated on her with Snap (see what I meant about the condoms earlier?), so she runs 'suicidally' to her room and takes out a steak (Yes, a slab of beef. Not a stake used to kill vampires. Rare or well-done? That is the question) before slitting her wrists with it and blacking out because derp, steaks obviously have razor-sharp edges and can kill your ass if you use them the wrong way. They're clearly deadly.
Look at it. It's just WAITING to slit your throat open.
Anyway, we are now treated to the fact that the setting here is also futuristic and iPods can now let a person travel back and forth through time. Which is actually a good idea. Apple should get right on that. People call each other bitches and motherfuckers, Ebony tortures Lupin so he'll tell her where Volxemort is, which means that not only is Tara Gilesbie a closet racist, it also shows that she's completely okay with cruel and unusual punishment. Ebony sexes up Draco right in front of them or something, too, which would definitely be called 'cruel and unusual punishment' in my book, and would likely be the worst form of torture ever devised. Shit, I don't know. I feel like I'm starting to black out reading this story. My chest hurts and my Xbox Live ran out and all I can do is write shitty love poems to Rie and lay in a hospital bed all day--
*Ahem* So anyway, some random persona of Volxemort steals Draco's car and drives into the room before changing back into his true form of Volxemort. All the characters show up for what I'm guessing is 'Final Battle 101 For Retards' or something. They start a derpy fight but the chapter ends because this is where Gilesbie stopped writing.
AND ALL THE WORLD REJOICED!
I, however, am not so happy, because I forced myself to sit through twenty-two chapters of this shit-filled dribble and had to turn it into a review outlining how I felt while reading it. So fuck you, world.
You hear me? FUCK YOU.
May Zeus shove a lightning bolt up the ass of the bitch that wrote this and twist it until the breathing stops, wherever she currently resides, and I pray to the gods that she is locked in Tartarus with the rest of the Titans to be ass-raped for all eternity. I wish that Fanfiction.net had deleted this from the moment it was uploaded. I wish it had never been allowed to grow to 45 chapters of pure, unadulterated shit. I wish Tara Gilesbie was aborted at birth. I WISH---
I wish I could stop writing this review. Which will happen in just a bit. So long as the madness stops and we are never 'treated' to another version of My Immortal ever again, I can rest easy tonight --
IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN!!!
...Fuck this shit. I'm out.