Post by AceTheMercenary on Dec 9, 2015 21:47:46 GMT -6
Hello and welcome very much to a story I had been planning on writing for quite some time, but never got around to. With the advent of our new RPG focusing on the realm of the supernatural, however, I decided on a whim that the time for it to be written was finally right. I hope you find it amusing (I certainly did, though anyone who hasn't read any of the Twilight books might be slightly out of the loop).
As always, remember that this is hardly canon to any universe or given story created previously, it was simply something I wanted to do for fun. In a nutshell, it's a short, one chapter story involving my characters, Josh and Dusty, in a huge argument with the Twilight cast over which universe has the better vampires: the ones we have created in Blood Ties, or the ones Stephanie Meyer created in Twilight. Hilarity ensues.
It was just another day in the life for everyone's favorite hunters. Traveling across the length and breadth of the United States, going back and forth from one doom pit to the next, destroying supernatural creatures of various makes, models and sizes. Having gotten a call from Dusty's uncle, Sam, he and his angelic partner Josh now found themselves in the rain-splattered, entirely unappealing diminutive town of Forks, Washington, on the hunt for yet another vampire nest.
Tracking them down certainly hadn't been difficult. The vampires -- the Cullen family, as Sam had called them -- seemingly defied all the logic and proper reasoning a vampire normally would. Instead of remaining hidden from the world entirely and living on the fringes of human society, or effectively blending in amongst human society and becoming entirely impossible to find, they seemed to have no issues revealing what they were. And it had baffled the two hunters to learn that most of Forks still didn't realize what was up with the Cullen family. Josh and Dusty had realized what they were the moment they laid eyes upon their golden eyes, overly pale skin and creepy demeanor, though they did wonder for all of five minutes if they were simply a family full of emos and goths.
And so the two had, once again, easily tracked the family back to their home. But they had been quite surprised when the family did not seem to want to fight them. Instead, they welcomed them right into their home per their leader's orders, and even went so far as to sit down with them. They immediately pointed out that they both knew the entire family was simply a den of vampires, and a heated debate had followed.
"Seriously, sparkling? You guys sparkle." Dusty remarked, crossing his arms and leaning back on the (admittedly quite comfortable) couch he and his half-blooded brother had been sitting on. "You're simply jealous that our vampires are more aesthetically pleasing than yours. I mean come on, yours are all so boring. I've never met an ugly vampire in our world." The pretty-boy mind reader of the Cullen family -- Edward -- responded, running a hand through his supposedly perfect 'bronze' hair, as if that was really a natural hair color. Dusty frowned, his eyes boring a hole directly into the vampire's piss-yellow eyes.
"Whatever the hell that meant, we are not jealous. Who in their right mind would be jealous of a vampire? But seriously, what the hell? None of you guys are ugly, and that's freakin' insane, not to mention totally unrealistic," Josh nodded, reaching forward to grab the cup of tea that their 'hosts' had so generously provided and taking a sip. "Yes. You bite someone and they go through three days -- at least -- of pain and misery, and then all of a sudden you become immortal creatures with sparkly bulletproof skin, in addition to never aging and suddenly having the restraint of the Son of God himself? Even the 'weak' one of your family certainly isn't that weak, and the newborn mother over here," The angel gestured to Bella, who bit her lower lip and hid her face. "Does not wish to bite any human whatsoever? I have walked the Earth since the days of the Kings of Israel in ancient times, and saw just as many vampires. Your family clashes with every single one. So tell me, what about that doesn't seem, as Dusty would say, 'freaking retarded'?"
Edward rolled his eyes in response. "Whatever. At least it's better than having to drink a vampire's blood to become one. Then your kind gets these gigantic fangs descending over your normal teeth, which tear apart the victim in a matter of seconds. We, on the other hand, have finesse: we can leave a tiny scar, and at least keep our victims alive."
"If we drank from humans." Another one, a trendy, pale girl with a pixie-style haircut -- Alice, they remembered -- added. "Which we don't." Edward finished with a nod. Dusty rolled his eyes, making a fake gagging noise. "Yeah, but at least our vampires are far more realistic. A few of 'em might drink animal blood, but their bloodthirsty nature's always there, even if it's in the back of their heads. Besides, animal blood is freakin' disgusting, but you guys say it's like tofu or somethin', right?" At Alice's nod, he continued. "See, that's the thing, though. Tofu is not that bad --"
"Despite the fact, Dusty, that the only time you ever ate tofu, it was actually a bacon cheeseburger." Edward interjected, prompting the young nephilim to frown.
"Moving on... So, basically, you're sayin' you guys don't struggle as much. What are you, freaking blessed from above? Nobody's got that much restraint. Even one of my freaking non-vampire ex-girlfriends got addicted to my blood when I gave her some to heal up from a broken leg one time. It made her feel strong," He leaned forward in his chair, not once taking his eyes off of Edward. "Look, I've met angels other than this one sittin' here with me, and you guys're assholes enough to be some of them. Besides, you've got vampires who mate for life in our but still at least get themselves some kinda action. You guys are either entirely promiscuous or complete prudes; total monogamists. Makes me sick. You're completely made in pairs to describe the aspects of a different relationship in a point of view that's all about shitty propaganda. We get disapproval from the ones who actually show lust, idolatry from the ones who keep themselves quiet, and then the ones who don't get any are the stars of the freakin' show that deserve it the most! What the hell?"
"Whatever, Dusty. What are you going to do, scream and stomp like a little boy because you can't get rid of us as easy as tearing our heads off like your would-be vampires?"
"You call that shit easy?" Josh placed a hand on his half-brother's shoulder, watching vaguely out of the corner of his eye as Dusty's muscles bulged beneath the tight Henley shirt he was wearing. "Calm yourself, Dusty. Listen, at least we're plausible. Our vampires have weaknesses -- and by that, I mean real weaknesses, not the emotional babble your kind spews all the time. And they don't get the lifestyle right the very first time -- most are little more than diseased animals needing to be put down, just like they should be. You guys are far too sophisticated, with your supposed 'finesse' and vague attempts to blend into society. The fact that the two of us were able to track you so easily speaks volumes of you blurring the lines and not being anything close to real vampires."
"Is that why you hate us so much? We're 'blurring the lines', and that upsets you? Eesh, must you two make every conversation some deep trip into the emotions? 'Oh, I tortured demons and I liked it', 'Oh, I'm forced to use humans as freaking vessels to get around', 'Oh woe is me, my Grandpa John and Grandma Mary are dead'...All of our parents are dead, you idiots." Josh raised his eyebrows slightly at Alice's gall, while white-hot anger flashed through Dusty's eyes. "Vampire or not, we will stab you right in your faces." He interjected, a pronounced Southern twang in his voice.
"It's, like, a must-have of every series and book ever. You and your father both. A missing parent, and the child desperately tries to fill the void. Then, the child of that child picks up the pieces and joins in, along with a partner who just so happens to be an angel in a human body. And you all chose hunting. Well done. You guys don't even get paid for what you do." Dusty frowned at Edward's words once again. "We don't need to get paid for what we do. The satisfaction we get outta killin' creatures like you and your dog-friend, here, is enough." He replied, gesturing towards the silent-yet-still-present Jacob Black, whose eyes widened slightly at the possibility of being dragged into the conversation. "Hey, don't get me involved, guys. This is between you and the leeches." He remarked.
"That's another thing, Dusty. Shifters, in your realm? Really? All you lose is your clothing, and only when you're angry? You have no control over it whatsoever? That seems entirely...useless. What if you're facing down a far superior foe and need a quick escape, but you're not angry enough, so...what then? Essentially you're a dead creature, attacked by Doctor Sparkly here." Josh questioned. Jacob frowned at the question, though he seemed slightly confused by it. "Huh? We can control it, dude." He replied. "Yes, but only into wolves as large as a human house? What is the point of such a thing? It's hardly inconspicuous. Certainly you could have evolved into something a little better..." Dusty nodded. "Yeah, like different humans, or somethin'? Go all Siren on the vampires' asses and seduce 'em into stupidity, then have 'em kill themselves or somethin'. Simple as that."
"You're way over-simplifying this!" Alice interjected once again, prompting Dusty to shrug.
"Whatever. All I'm saying is, basically, you guys are lame."
"Whatever. We're a lot harder to kill." Edward replied, a smug look of satisfaction on his face. Dusty leaned forward in his chair at that at that, propping his elbows on his knees as he regarded Edward with a look of genuine curiosity on his face.
"Oh yeah? And just how do you guys die, then?"
"Essentially, you have to rip us apart, and then burn the pieces."
Fifteen minutes later, Josh and Dusty stood in front of a massive burning pyre, piled nearly as high as the Cullen family's front porch with the rotting and burning corpses of vampires and shape shifters alike. Dusty sighed lightly, rolling his eyes when his angelic brother threw him a questioning glance, blue eyes burning bright in the darkness of the evening.
"It's getting too easy, ya know?" He asked. "Indeed," Josh agreed, looking back at the flames. "The big one. Emmett, I believe his name was? Not so smart, was he?" Dusty shook his head, hooking a thumb in one of his pockets while the other hand brought his sawed-off shotgun to rest against his shoulder. "Maybe not, but he was pretty quick for such a big dude. How's your arm?" Josh looked at the tiny scratch on his forearm, a few thin ribbons of blood running down the side of his hand and dripping off of his fingers; the unfortunate result of the now very dead Bella Swan clawing at his hand before he had vanquished her with his power and burnt her body to nothing more than a blackened skeleton.
"It will likely heal before we even reach the top of the road." Dusty grinned at that, reaching into his pocket and pulling out the keys to the Mustang. "Good. I was more worried about you bleedin' on my seats than anything."
"Jerk."
"Bitch. Now c'mon, all this fightin's made me hungry. Ya think there's a diner anywhere around this shithole of a town? A McDonald's or somethin'?"
Josh merely smiled in response. It was always the same. No matter how big a monster was, how many there were or how unstoppable they seemed to be...the two would always find a way to take them down.
As always, remember that this is hardly canon to any universe or given story created previously, it was simply something I wanted to do for fun. In a nutshell, it's a short, one chapter story involving my characters, Josh and Dusty, in a huge argument with the Twilight cast over which universe has the better vampires: the ones we have created in Blood Ties, or the ones Stephanie Meyer created in Twilight. Hilarity ensues.
It was just another day in the life for everyone's favorite hunters. Traveling across the length and breadth of the United States, going back and forth from one doom pit to the next, destroying supernatural creatures of various makes, models and sizes. Having gotten a call from Dusty's uncle, Sam, he and his angelic partner Josh now found themselves in the rain-splattered, entirely unappealing diminutive town of Forks, Washington, on the hunt for yet another vampire nest.
Tracking them down certainly hadn't been difficult. The vampires -- the Cullen family, as Sam had called them -- seemingly defied all the logic and proper reasoning a vampire normally would. Instead of remaining hidden from the world entirely and living on the fringes of human society, or effectively blending in amongst human society and becoming entirely impossible to find, they seemed to have no issues revealing what they were. And it had baffled the two hunters to learn that most of Forks still didn't realize what was up with the Cullen family. Josh and Dusty had realized what they were the moment they laid eyes upon their golden eyes, overly pale skin and creepy demeanor, though they did wonder for all of five minutes if they were simply a family full of emos and goths.
And so the two had, once again, easily tracked the family back to their home. But they had been quite surprised when the family did not seem to want to fight them. Instead, they welcomed them right into their home per their leader's orders, and even went so far as to sit down with them. They immediately pointed out that they both knew the entire family was simply a den of vampires, and a heated debate had followed.
"Seriously, sparkling? You guys sparkle." Dusty remarked, crossing his arms and leaning back on the (admittedly quite comfortable) couch he and his half-blooded brother had been sitting on. "You're simply jealous that our vampires are more aesthetically pleasing than yours. I mean come on, yours are all so boring. I've never met an ugly vampire in our world." The pretty-boy mind reader of the Cullen family -- Edward -- responded, running a hand through his supposedly perfect 'bronze' hair, as if that was really a natural hair color. Dusty frowned, his eyes boring a hole directly into the vampire's piss-yellow eyes.
"Whatever the hell that meant, we are not jealous. Who in their right mind would be jealous of a vampire? But seriously, what the hell? None of you guys are ugly, and that's freakin' insane, not to mention totally unrealistic," Josh nodded, reaching forward to grab the cup of tea that their 'hosts' had so generously provided and taking a sip. "Yes. You bite someone and they go through three days -- at least -- of pain and misery, and then all of a sudden you become immortal creatures with sparkly bulletproof skin, in addition to never aging and suddenly having the restraint of the Son of God himself? Even the 'weak' one of your family certainly isn't that weak, and the newborn mother over here," The angel gestured to Bella, who bit her lower lip and hid her face. "Does not wish to bite any human whatsoever? I have walked the Earth since the days of the Kings of Israel in ancient times, and saw just as many vampires. Your family clashes with every single one. So tell me, what about that doesn't seem, as Dusty would say, 'freaking retarded'?"
Edward rolled his eyes in response. "Whatever. At least it's better than having to drink a vampire's blood to become one. Then your kind gets these gigantic fangs descending over your normal teeth, which tear apart the victim in a matter of seconds. We, on the other hand, have finesse: we can leave a tiny scar, and at least keep our victims alive."
"If we drank from humans." Another one, a trendy, pale girl with a pixie-style haircut -- Alice, they remembered -- added. "Which we don't." Edward finished with a nod. Dusty rolled his eyes, making a fake gagging noise. "Yeah, but at least our vampires are far more realistic. A few of 'em might drink animal blood, but their bloodthirsty nature's always there, even if it's in the back of their heads. Besides, animal blood is freakin' disgusting, but you guys say it's like tofu or somethin', right?" At Alice's nod, he continued. "See, that's the thing, though. Tofu is not that bad --"
"Despite the fact, Dusty, that the only time you ever ate tofu, it was actually a bacon cheeseburger." Edward interjected, prompting the young nephilim to frown.
"Moving on... So, basically, you're sayin' you guys don't struggle as much. What are you, freaking blessed from above? Nobody's got that much restraint. Even one of my freaking non-vampire ex-girlfriends got addicted to my blood when I gave her some to heal up from a broken leg one time. It made her feel strong," He leaned forward in his chair, not once taking his eyes off of Edward. "Look, I've met angels other than this one sittin' here with me, and you guys're assholes enough to be some of them. Besides, you've got vampires who mate for life in our but still at least get themselves some kinda action. You guys are either entirely promiscuous or complete prudes; total monogamists. Makes me sick. You're completely made in pairs to describe the aspects of a different relationship in a point of view that's all about shitty propaganda. We get disapproval from the ones who actually show lust, idolatry from the ones who keep themselves quiet, and then the ones who don't get any are the stars of the freakin' show that deserve it the most! What the hell?"
"Whatever, Dusty. What are you going to do, scream and stomp like a little boy because you can't get rid of us as easy as tearing our heads off like your would-be vampires?"
"You call that shit easy?" Josh placed a hand on his half-brother's shoulder, watching vaguely out of the corner of his eye as Dusty's muscles bulged beneath the tight Henley shirt he was wearing. "Calm yourself, Dusty. Listen, at least we're plausible. Our vampires have weaknesses -- and by that, I mean real weaknesses, not the emotional babble your kind spews all the time. And they don't get the lifestyle right the very first time -- most are little more than diseased animals needing to be put down, just like they should be. You guys are far too sophisticated, with your supposed 'finesse' and vague attempts to blend into society. The fact that the two of us were able to track you so easily speaks volumes of you blurring the lines and not being anything close to real vampires."
"Is that why you hate us so much? We're 'blurring the lines', and that upsets you? Eesh, must you two make every conversation some deep trip into the emotions? 'Oh, I tortured demons and I liked it', 'Oh, I'm forced to use humans as freaking vessels to get around', 'Oh woe is me, my Grandpa John and Grandma Mary are dead'...All of our parents are dead, you idiots." Josh raised his eyebrows slightly at Alice's gall, while white-hot anger flashed through Dusty's eyes. "Vampire or not, we will stab you right in your faces." He interjected, a pronounced Southern twang in his voice.
"It's, like, a must-have of every series and book ever. You and your father both. A missing parent, and the child desperately tries to fill the void. Then, the child of that child picks up the pieces and joins in, along with a partner who just so happens to be an angel in a human body. And you all chose hunting. Well done. You guys don't even get paid for what you do." Dusty frowned at Edward's words once again. "We don't need to get paid for what we do. The satisfaction we get outta killin' creatures like you and your dog-friend, here, is enough." He replied, gesturing towards the silent-yet-still-present Jacob Black, whose eyes widened slightly at the possibility of being dragged into the conversation. "Hey, don't get me involved, guys. This is between you and the leeches." He remarked.
"That's another thing, Dusty. Shifters, in your realm? Really? All you lose is your clothing, and only when you're angry? You have no control over it whatsoever? That seems entirely...useless. What if you're facing down a far superior foe and need a quick escape, but you're not angry enough, so...what then? Essentially you're a dead creature, attacked by Doctor Sparkly here." Josh questioned. Jacob frowned at the question, though he seemed slightly confused by it. "Huh? We can control it, dude." He replied. "Yes, but only into wolves as large as a human house? What is the point of such a thing? It's hardly inconspicuous. Certainly you could have evolved into something a little better..." Dusty nodded. "Yeah, like different humans, or somethin'? Go all Siren on the vampires' asses and seduce 'em into stupidity, then have 'em kill themselves or somethin'. Simple as that."
"You're way over-simplifying this!" Alice interjected once again, prompting Dusty to shrug.
"Whatever. All I'm saying is, basically, you guys are lame."
"Whatever. We're a lot harder to kill." Edward replied, a smug look of satisfaction on his face. Dusty leaned forward in his chair at that at that, propping his elbows on his knees as he regarded Edward with a look of genuine curiosity on his face.
"Oh yeah? And just how do you guys die, then?"
"Essentially, you have to rip us apart, and then burn the pieces."
Fifteen minutes later, Josh and Dusty stood in front of a massive burning pyre, piled nearly as high as the Cullen family's front porch with the rotting and burning corpses of vampires and shape shifters alike. Dusty sighed lightly, rolling his eyes when his angelic brother threw him a questioning glance, blue eyes burning bright in the darkness of the evening.
"It's getting too easy, ya know?" He asked. "Indeed," Josh agreed, looking back at the flames. "The big one. Emmett, I believe his name was? Not so smart, was he?" Dusty shook his head, hooking a thumb in one of his pockets while the other hand brought his sawed-off shotgun to rest against his shoulder. "Maybe not, but he was pretty quick for such a big dude. How's your arm?" Josh looked at the tiny scratch on his forearm, a few thin ribbons of blood running down the side of his hand and dripping off of his fingers; the unfortunate result of the now very dead Bella Swan clawing at his hand before he had vanquished her with his power and burnt her body to nothing more than a blackened skeleton.
"It will likely heal before we even reach the top of the road." Dusty grinned at that, reaching into his pocket and pulling out the keys to the Mustang. "Good. I was more worried about you bleedin' on my seats than anything."
"Jerk."
"Bitch. Now c'mon, all this fightin's made me hungry. Ya think there's a diner anywhere around this shithole of a town? A McDonald's or somethin'?"
Josh merely smiled in response. It was always the same. No matter how big a monster was, how many there were or how unstoppable they seemed to be...the two would always find a way to take them down.