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Post by PirateWolf12 on Oct 19, 2010 17:05:00 GMT -6
Aussie's Hot Mess of a Lemon: Part 1
With permission from Rai to post.
It was Sexy Saturday in the kingdom of the Living Dead; a community built under the city of ProBoards using its abandoned subway tunnels and storm water drains. Ace gave a gothic moan as he was carried to the love heart shaped vibrating bed in the big black arms of LaShawndrax.
“NOW JUST CHOO’ WAIT A MINUTE, HUNEH. WE GONNA GET IT OOOOON! BUT JUST CHOO’ WAIT I GOTS TO GO CHASE OFF MAH CHILLUNS.” LaShawndrax said hornily, and walked out of the abandoned station storage room that had been converted into a bedroom/love nest. “VANDY! MANDY! CANDY! SANDY! RANDY! LANDY! Y’ALL GIT DA FUDGE OUTTA ‘ERE FOR A FEW MINUTES!”
Ace breathed in in fear. He was nervous. Nervous and aroused and he didn’t know if he was doing the right thing. He didn’t have to! He could say stop! He HAD to give consent! It would all be alright. He sighed shagaliciously as he walked to the large mirror that took up a wall of the room, and ripped off his clothes revealing his mankini. However, just at that moment Rai, a capitalistic bastard American and Tom, a capitalistic bastard Australian, walked down a large drainage pipe, only to see Mankini Ace standing, looking thoughtfully at the two.
“O. M. G!” Tom said. “That mankini wearing gentleman is looking at us in such a frightful way. Do you think we are to be raped?”
“Totes! Or totes not.” Rai said, capitalistically. “But wait! I don’t think he sees us? Why, this must be a two way mirror! Let us watch what shenanigans occur here, old bean.”
Ace was still nervous, so he did what he always did when nervous. He sang.
“I was feeling done in Couldn't win I'd only ever kissed before” You mean he?...” Rai asked, fascinated.
“Uh huh” Tom replied.
Ace continued singing. “I thought there's no use getting Into heavy petting It only leads to trouble And… seat wetting Now all I want to know Is how to go I've tasted blood and I want more.”
Tom and Rai were getting totes into Ace’s bedazzling performance. “More, more, more!”
Ace danced around the room, communistically.
“I'll put up no resistance I want to stay the distance I've got an itch to scratch I need assistance Touch-a touch-a touch-a touch me I wanna be dirty Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me Creature of the night!
Then if anything grows While you pose I'll oil you up And rub you down” “Down, down, down!” Tom and Rai sang, hitting the two-way mirror.
Ace dived on the bed and rolled around in the sheets.
“And that's just one small fraction Of the main attraction You need a friendly hand And I need action Touch-a touch-a touch-a touch me I wanna be dirty Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me Creature of the night”
Tom and Rai laughed as they watched this. “Touch-a touch-a touch-a touch me!” Tom sang.
“I wanna be dirty!” Rai replied.
”Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me!” Tom sung, dancing around the pipe with Rai.
”Creature of the night!” Rai sang.
Ace practically ‘O’ faced on the bed as he giggled, cat-ladyishly. ”Oh, touch-a touch-a touch-a touch me I wanna be dirty Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me Creature of the night”
Suddenly his imagination played up, and there was LaShawndrax lying on top of him. “Creature of the night!”
And just as quickly she was replaced by Cindy. “Creature of the night!”
Followed by Amy, but this time she was a woman. “Creature of the night!”
Rie moaned on top of him now. Her pink hair was helping to introduce her as the protagonist in the next story. “Creature of the night!”
And, for some strange reason, there was Rai. “Creature of the night!”
And more strangely, Tom. “Creature of the night!”
And finally, LaShawndrax was now back. “Creature of the night!”
Ace closed his eyes. “Creature of the night!” And then opened them again. Yep, the last LaShawndrax was not a dream. “HOW CHOO DOIN’ HUNEH?” She was naked, and if I was to describe to you’re her form, you would most likely go blind, kill yourself or send me angry letterbombs. I will tell you this: Ace screamed, and screamed, and screamed. And for very good reason.
“I rescind my consent!” Ace cried and tried to run out of the room, only to be grabbed by one of LaShawndrax’s King Kong hands and pulled towards her frightful vaganus thing.
“YOU IS GONNA MAKE MEH NEXT CHILLUN. BANDY!” She said, and did something horrible to the now deceased Ace, RIP.
Tom and Rai were so turned on by this they immediately killed Cogs and hosted a blood orgy featuring various manatees in his remains.
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Post by slayer22 on Oct 19, 2010 18:16:29 GMT -6
I didn't read this story, nor do I want to.
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Post by PirateWolf12 on Oct 19, 2010 18:36:00 GMT -6
Then go cyber with your random paper romance of the week who will undoubtedly turn out to a man. Stop wasting precious thread space and go swallow a flaming sword you freak ass bitch. To the rest of you: Next story coming soon!
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Post by slayer22 on Oct 19, 2010 18:43:00 GMT -6
k
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Post by PirateWolf12 on Oct 19, 2010 20:12:36 GMT -6
Aussie's Hot Mess of a Lemon: Part 2 Electric Rie Boogaloo.
Rie let out a bootylicious cry in arousal. She was sitting in a large room, shrouded in darkness besides the centre spot where a large spot light lit up the area. Rie turned Minnesotianly as she heard footsteps approach.
“Hey baby.” It was Song. “Come here often?”
“No.” Rie said. For some reason she ripped off her clothes. “I am cold now. Pass me that duvet or my three boobs will get too cold and perky.”
Song basically went awesome face. “Baby, under this duvet, we’re gonna do it!”
Suddenly, the pair could hear distant music floating through the air like an attacking robot unicorn.
“Baby, there’s banana over there.” It was Matt.
“Baby, banana everywhere.” The voice backing Matt up belonged to Roj.
“Baby, there’s banana in my hair!”
“That ain’t banana in yo’ hair!”
“How scandalous! I feel like eating your pear.”
“Mangoes!”
“Mangoes…” The voices faded away.
Rie screamed in anguish. She walked away from Song, crying.
“Babeh, what’s wrong? I thought we were gonna make the beast with two backs?”
“Oh, Song! Everybody is screwin’ and singin’. Everybody but me…”
“We can do that!”
“No! We can’t. I… I can’t sing!” Rie said, and broke down in tears. Despite what she said, she began to sing. Incredibly off-key.
“See I really couldn't sing I could never really sing What I couldn't do was-“
“Sing!” Song cut in, his voice pleasant.
“I have trouble with a-“
“Note.”
“It goes all around my-“
“Throat.”
”It's a terrifying-“
“Thing.”
"When I begin to-"
“Shriek.”
“It's a cross between a-“
“Squeak.”
“And a quiver or a-“
“Moan.”
“It's a little like a-“
“Croak.”
“Or the record player-“
“Broke.”
“What it doesn't have is-“
“Tone.”
“Oh I know you're thinking shut up and touch my-”
“Ding-a-ling.”
“But I really couldn't-“
“Sing...”
“I could never really-“
“Sing.”
“What I couldn't do was-“
“Sing!”
Song shrugged. “You’re doing your best, and I would still very much like to sleep with you in various positions.” He decided to try and teach her to control her voice. “Jingle bells, jingle bells...”
JinGLE bells, jINgle BELLS!” Her voice screamed out. Still, I'm terrific at-
“Sex!”
"Guys are comin' in their..."
“Pants!”
“I put them all under my-“
“Hex!”
"I can’t sing, but I can-“
“Dance… Horizontally!”
“I’m the winner when Christmas comes and all my friends go-”
“Orgying!” Numerous voices sung out to her, from the darkness.
Rie didn’t think much of them. She was too depressed. “It is so dishearten-“
“-Ning.”
“It is so disquiet-“
“-Ting.”
“It is so discoura-“
“-Ging!”
Rie was now pissed. “FUCK OFF SONG! GOD, WILL YOU STOP ANSWER-“
“-RIIIIIIIING!” He said with a cheesy grin.
Suddenly all of the area they were in lit up. They were in the centre of a small arena. All around them watched the other residents of the Living Dead. Rie suddenly felt quite naked – and not just for the reason that she had no clothes on. Song stepped forward and began to conduct the voyeuristic audience.
“Do, re, mi, fa, sol, la, ti, do Do, ti, la, sol, fa, mi, re, do La!”
Rie knew it was now or never. “La! She sang, still off-key.
”La!” The audience sang back, perfectly in tune.
”La!” She sang, as bad as ever.
Suddenly her friends and fans began to cheer for her. “Sing, sing Never sing a note. Please never, Sing a sing a sing sing Don't ever, Sing, sing!” They sang over and over.
Sing!” Rie sang. Perfectly.
“Sing!” Everybody replied.
Everybody was so happy with Rie’s progress they had an orgy, right there on the spot. Extremities were sucked, bodies were tasted, fluids consumed, holes stabbed, foetuses were abducted and Zombie Cogs was beaten to death by an irritated walrus during. All in all it was one of the better orgies the Living Dead had hosted.
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Post by Veta on Oct 19, 2010 20:23:54 GMT -6
Nice. On your next one include Mexican Veta and have COGS die again.
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Post by Rie (CSF) on Oct 19, 2010 23:56:00 GMT -6
...Other than making me terrible at singing and apparently enjoying being naked in front of the entire board, I'd have to say that was hiliariously awesome.
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Post by PirateWolf12 on Oct 20, 2010 5:58:24 GMT -6
Nice. On your next one include Mexican Veta and have COGS die again. I haven't planned anything for a sequel. Yet. But I'll include Mexican Veta and Cogs dying is basically a running theme from now on. Maybe next time he won't clog up my threads with his incessant yappings.
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Post by PirateWolf12 on Oct 20, 2010 6:05:50 GMT -6
...Other than making me terrible at singing and apparently enjoying being naked in front of the entire board, I'd have to say that was hiliariously awesome. Well, you became a decent singer at the end. You're very welcome!
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Post by Vandy on Oct 21, 2010 16:10:17 GMT -6
Include Vandy again! And I'm liking these. So...
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Post by PirateWolf12 on Oct 22, 2010 2:54:59 GMT -6
Include Vandy again! And I'm liking these. So... I only saw your myfacewhen link when I quoted this! Yes, more shall be coming. I'm currently writing the Mexican Veta and Ameh-May chapter, though I can't think of what song to sing. Possibly Push It.
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Post by PirateWolf12 on Oct 22, 2010 18:35:52 GMT -6
Aussie's Hot Mess of a Lemon: Part 3. Mexican Veta and the Dragon Beast Ameh-May.
“Wow.” Ameh-May said, inhaling her cigarette. “It’s nice to just do that once in a while, y’know?” She took in the surroundings of the large chamber. It had once been the South Port subway station, until the earthquake levelled that district of ProBoard City. Now her “associate” had turned it into somewhat of a large personal bedroom. Pink and purple shades of paint covered the walls in a failed attempt to lighten up the room by painting it, instead it wound up looking like a teenager’s graffiti.
“Well, it’s a nice break from all that scissoring,” Cindy said, lighting up four cigarettes at once. Suddenly the pair could hear footsteps.
“Hey baby.” Mexican Veta said. “I see my fist inside you.”
“Lame pickup line, is like, lame!” Ameh-May said, scoffing as she got up from the bed, dressed in a Halloween costume that resembled a sexy seal.
“I see myself inside you because I’m a surgeon.” Mexican Veta said, winking at the two sassy sapphic sweethearts.
“Oh my god! I totally get it now! Can you drive? We should, like, hook up.” Amy said, impressed at Mexican Veta’s wits and Harry Potter like charm.
“No! Don’t go with her! Go with me!” Cindy said, ripping off her bikini. She too was aroused by the Mexican.
“No, go with me! I can dress up like a naughty nurse.” Amy giggled, kind of like a nurse high on life or possibly morphine.
“Oh yeah? I can dress up like a naughtier nurse” Cindy gloated.
“I can dress up like a cheerleader!” Said Amy.
“I can dress up like a cheerleader with ambitions on becoming a naughty nurse!” Cindy declared.
“Damn it.” Ameh-May said. “Wait. I can roleplay as your ultimate fantasy.” And with that, her entire body glowed a stunningly bright blue light and in a second she had morphed into a large reptilian beast, covered in scales and possessing large, razor sharp teeth.
“What!?” Cindy screamed in anger. “That’s bullshit, Ameh-May! You can’t just use your dragon morphing super powers for sex, right!?”
“Right!” A voice in the distant answered.
“Right!” Cindy said again, and in annoyance turned around and punched Zombie Zombie Cogs in the head, her fist breaking through his skull. She ripped out his brain, and he fell down to the ground dead, yet again. “I am angry and horny!”
“Well, I’m sorry Cindy.” Veta said, hugging one of Dragon Ameh-May’s large legs. “But I’m just not in the mood of a threesome or moresome. Especially when I have my own giant dragon thing.”
“Yeah Cindy, could you please, like, leave?” Dragon Ameh-May snarled.
“It’s my freakin’ house!” Cindy said.
“GOD HELP YOU IF YOU DON’T LEAVE RIGHT NOW,” Veta roared in furious arousal, now on top of the beast’s back. Cindy stormed off down a tunnel, muttering promises of revenge.
“OHMAHGAWDOHMAHGAWDOHMAHGAWDIT’SADRAGONALLFORMEYAY!” Veta said, hugging the scaly back.
”Get up on this!”
“Wut.” Veta said Mexicanlly, and looked towards the tunnel Cindy had just fled down. Now she was back leading, a small group of Living Deaders who were somehow orgying, walking and singing at once behind her. Because we’re just that great.
“You wanted some privacy fo’ yo’ little piece of scales? Well I say HELL-TO-THE-NO. So either jump in on the orgy or zip up, doc! ‘Cause nobody puts Cindy in the corner.” Cindy said, ghetto for some reason.
Veta glared at the girl, his eye daring her to glare back. She dared, and he looked down to the scales.
”Get up on this!” The choir of orgy goers sang again.
”Oooh, baby, baby be-baby baby Oooh, baby, baby be-baby baby Get up on this!”
"C-c-c-c-indy and her orgy are here!” Cindy sang.
Now wait a minute, y’all.” Veta rapped. Now this dance ain’t for everybody. Only the sexy people.” He motioned with his hand to himself and the Ameh-May dragon, who seemed quite bored and apathetic to the events occurring in front of her. ”So all you orgy goers, get out of mah face. GET OUT I SAID.”
Cindy didn’t budge.
"C'mon orgiers! Let’s go show these guys that we know How to become number one in a hot party show Now push it!”
Her orgy singers began to back her up. “Ah, push it - push it good Ah, push it - p-push it real good!”
Veta jumped off his dragon in musical outrage, his Mexican dance anger flaring up. “Yeah, you come here, give you a fist kiss. Better leave now fast or else I'm gonna get pissed! Can't you hear the music's pumpin' hard like I wish you would? Now push it!”
The energy from the emotions being expressed pumped the room. And soon everybody was singing, including Ameh-May who had transformed into her regular English anime fan form with bright blue hair that matched her favourite drink.
"Ah, push it Get up on this! Ah, push it Get up on this! Awwwww!, Hollow! Get up on this! Ah, push it Hey! Ah, PUSH IT!"
Everybody became so engrossed with their musical talents, as well as seeing Veta’s tramp stamp and the tattoos above Cindy’s ovaries that a sex riot broke out; lasting approximately fifteen hours, making it the twelfth longest orgy the Living Dead had that year. When it ended Veta was so enraged to find that Ameh-May had left before he could dip his churro into her dragon taco that he beat Cogs’ lifeless form into a thick goo.
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Post by Vandy on Oct 25, 2010 13:25:12 GMT -6
Make the song be Dynamite by Taio Cruz this time, I want to see you work that one around. And include me >_>
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Post by PirateWolf12 on Oct 25, 2010 19:39:27 GMT -6
Make the song be Dynamite by Taio Cruz this time, I want to see you work that one around. And include me >_> You'll be the main focus/character in the next chapter, however I've already chosen a song for you.
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Post by PirateWolf12 on Oct 28, 2010 6:07:44 GMT -6
Chapter 4: Cogs is Not Engraved on My Heart
“Oh Lord, why?” Vandy asked. “God. If you can hear me, answer me! Why do I delve into thy secular sins? Bathe in the harlots’ juices? Screw each and every walking thing!? AROUSED BY EVERY SINGLE SONG? EVERY SINGLE WORD?” Vandy ripped off his leather and chain mesh ensemble. “TOUCH ME LORD! I WANT TO FEEL THOU ARK IN MY REVELATION!”
Vandy continued moaning and rolling around on the dark tunnel floor, mistakenly thinking he was alone with his God. Above, hidden in an elevated pipe, watched Tbone, a man as white as his name (ha!) and Basil, a rich Frenchman who delved into the eighth deadliest (and lamest) sin: communist sympathising. Earlier, the two had gotten bored and went looking for some fun. They soon found themselves quickly water-skiing along through the ProBoard city’s sewers towards Will’s mom, and when discovering what she looked like, skiing away from her/it/creature of indeterminate gender/the beast with too many backs. Unfortunately, around Psychotically Obsessed Buffy Fan Junction the two took a wrong turn and were now lost in the drainage pipes. And now here they watched.
“Aw, damn. Mah poor bro Vandy. Homie a sensual sexual thumpin’ bumpin’ addict, yo dig?” Tbone said to Basil.
“Sacrebleu! Cherchez la femme!” Basil hissed, inhaling his long cigarette. “Croissant?”
‘I don’t speak yo’ crazy gibberish, you god damn mother fuckin’ polyglot.” Tbone screamed and sighed with pity as he looked at Vandy who was now doing something unspeakable to a cross. It was such an incredible sight Basil’s head began rotating 360 degrees. Around and around and around. Suddenly a long, deep moan was heard, sending a chill down Basil and Tbone’s spines.
“Will’s mom! Surely that shortie can’t have run like mah homeboy Ray-Ray from the popo after us! It can’t have got loose from its chamber, right?”
“No après-ski! Exécuter!” Basil said and began skiing away down the slimy drainage pipe in fear. But who could blame him? Not any surviving person that had encountered the beast.
“COWARD!!!” Tbone screamed, before chasing after the fleeing Frenchman. I guess Tbone could.
Vandy was startled, partly thanks the distant mysterious shrieks and moans, partly thanks to the two men skiing away in terror above him. “Will’s mom.” Vandy said. Only one creature he knew of could make that sound. He didn’t know where to run to or where it was coming from. He hadn’t even seen Will’s mom for himself. But he knew it couldn’t be anything good. So he turned and ran down a cavern that connected to the abandoned tunnel and ran for what seemed like hours, the roars of the beast seemingly coming from all around him.
“Please, help me!” A disturbingly familiar voice called out as he ran into a rock chamber.
“Who’s there? Where are you?” Vandy screamed. “I carry a rape whistle!” Though he only used it to stun a person using the high pitched noise it emitted before raping them.
“It’s me, Cogs!”
“Walking away.” Vandy said, bored.
“Wait, not ther-“ Cogs’ voice called out.
“Eeew!” Vandy interjected, stepping in a disgusting puddle, a colour similar to purple if it was thrown up by a wild Snorlax.
“That’s me!” Cogs said.
“Wait… you’re a puddle!? Vandy asked, disgusted.
“Yes. A cruel Mexican did this to me. I’ve been rolling around here for days, lost. But I know how to make myself solid again. I need to feel… alive.”
“Oh God. How, dare I ask?”
“I need to feel born again! I need to feel alive! I need it. And that’s why I am blessed that you came around.”
“Cogs. I’m not going to have sex with you. I’m not going to have sex with you in puddle form. I’m not going to have sex with you in a bee swarm. I could not, would not, with a fox. I could not, would not, in a box. I will not screw you and film it with a cam, I will not three-way you with a lamb. I will not have sex with you, Van I am.”
“But… Vandy, you’re a whore!”
“Sorry, but even a pathetic LaShawndrax offspring has to have standards!” Vandy said, crossing his arms. “In fact, despite me running in unimaginable terror, I think I might sing what I’m trying to say to you. Hit it,” he said to a band that just happened to be chilling next to the skank and the puddle.
”When I was younger, I saw my mama’s baby daddy cry And curse at the wind He broke his own heart as I watched As he tried to reassemble it And my mama swore She would never let herself forget And that was the day that I promised I'd never turn down a trick, because that thought of mind just does not exist.”
It was hard to tell how Cogs was feeling, because he was a PUDDLE but it was probably enjoyment as Vandy sure could carry a sweet tune.
But darling…”
“Me?!” Puddle Cogs asked, excited.
“Yeah, you.” Vandy said, pointing at the puddle before he continued singing.
“You are the only exception You are the only exception You are the only exception You are the only exception.”
“And I've always lived like this Keeping a comfortable distance from chastity belts And up until now I had sworn to myself that I'm content with promiscuity Because it was always worth the risk. Sleep with all! But you are the only exception!”
Puddle Cogs began to bubble in anger.
”I've got a tight grip on reality But I can't let go of what's in front of me here I know you're leaving in the morning when you wake up Leave me with some kind of proof, it's not a dream, oh!”
Suddenly the band joined in singing.
”And I'm on my way to believing! You are the only exception You are the only exception You are the only exception You are the only exception…”
It was beautiful. An orgy breaking out (bar puddle Cogs) would have been inevitable, had the beast’s roars not sent the crowd fleeing in all directions. Vandy, before taking a sharp turn and jumping into a pipe that led downwards into the deep caverns, heard Cogs shout out something that sounded similar to promises of revenge.
But vendettas involving liquid board members were the last of Vandy’s problems. He emerged in an underplored part of the Living Dead’s subterranean kingdom. It was a massive chamber, lit up by flames that surrounded him. It was as if he was in Hell. And Satan was standing over him.
Will’s mom now towered over the poor young man. He had never seen her, but he knew this behemoth had to be her. The infamous one. It was hard to describe her. Her size could be described as being able to make a blue whale look like a trout when placed next to her. She seemed to be covered with tentacles, walking on six legs with grey skin. She roared, not noticing poor Vandy who continued to run in fear of being swept up by a tentacle and forced into the creature’s gullet like what happened to Kong. And for once, without feeling aroused, he promised God that if he was to flee this mess he’d be chaste, at least for six hours.
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Post by Vandy on Oct 28, 2010 17:24:08 GMT -6
Now Dynamite. Go. And make the main character be... Rai!
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Post by Traveling Riverside Roj on Oct 28, 2010 18:07:53 GMT -6
Fucking hilarious, Aussie mah boi. Could I sing a Mystic Roots song and be an over-exaggerated, stereotypical Haitian ganja fiend Communist failure in the one of the following entries? It will be just like real life minus nothing!
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Post by Rai Chiller on Oct 28, 2010 18:35:01 GMT -6
I deny both of these requests and I suggest you stop making lemons, or else leeches like these will disintegrate your moral fiber and leave you a uncreative ball of fail.
In other words, make a story about a blood orgy between Roj and Vandy.
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Post by PirateWolf12 on Oct 29, 2010 16:52:46 GMT -6
Chapter 5: This Year’s Girl
It was a special day in the underground community of the Living Dead. A wedding was on between a member of the zombie loving family and a member from another RPG. One dealing with the post apocalyptic world. Ours is much better.
“If anyone here has any objection to why these two should not wed, now is-“ The elderly priest was cut off.
“I do!” Tom said, standing up. He was dressed in robes with a helmet made from the head of a dingo, because Lord knows he/I need to remind you all every minute that I’m Australian. Gasps went through the small crowd as the observers turned to stare.
“Aussie! Boo, you whore!” Calis the groom said, crossing his arms.
“Aussie! How grand!” the bride said, a veil covering her face making it hard to determine if she was furious or aroused. “But why!?”
“Because, Rie! I’m the one for you. As your internet best friend for ever for life, I feel we were programmed for each other! I mean, Australia. Mineral Soda. They’re basically the same person. Both places have trees, optimism, rivers deep and mountains high! Also moose!”
“Uh…” She said.
“Oh! I know you’re confused, but I shall prove to you how much I love you by slaughtering, burning and crucifying everybody here. Besides you, of course. Kinda like in those Shakespeare plays.”
Behind Aussie jumped up Roj, a Haitian drug addict (pfft, that last part was pretty much a given though, amiright?) with a soft spot for mangoes. Next to him jumped up the blood thirsty Simon Allen, a mysterious man who has and always would be… just there. The three raised their weapons. A light sabre created from shoving some gems into a torch. A rake attached to a battery and a cement saw that fired out plates. “Charge!” Aussie shouted.
The three began to attack the terrified crowd, however after a few seconds they realised that their weapons were only as effective in being used to beat the guests with, because gem light, a rake duct-taped to a battery and a cement saw with some plates shoved inside DOES NOT WORK AND MAKES NO SENSE OUTSIDE OF A VIDEOGAME.
“Aw. Hell-to-the-NO!” Roj said, throwing down his useless torch. “Now what?”
“I LIKE IT WHEN THE RED WATER COMES OUT.” Simon added, and began to embrace the cement saw, blade first.
Aussie thought for a second. “Ah screw it. Let us just kill them with mini-chainsaws. As it should always have been.”
“Cool brutha’!” Roj said, lighting up a joint.
So the three men raised their weapons and sliced through the crowd of screaming wedding guests, sending limbs and organs flying across the small bomb shelter that had been converted into a chapel.
“Aussie. You ruined everything!” Calis said. “And you should know that-ARRRGHHHH.”
Calis was cut off as Aussie’s chainsaw cut into him like soft, warm butter. “I’m doing this because I love you as well Calis. I don’t want to hurt you.” Aussie said, though I’m certain a chainsaw being trust through your torso isn’t the most comforting way. But it sure was kawaiiii! ^__^
Aussie looked around the room. Roj was drunk or on some junk. Simon was tearing into the neck of the barely alive priest and eating his flesh. Everybody else, besides the strangely relaxed bride, had met a gruesome end. They few survivors were ankle deep in blood.
“Rie.” Aussie said, dropping the chainsaw.
“Aussie, I have to tell you something.”
“God, why can’t I win you over Rie!? YOU’RE TEARING ME APART!” Aussie cried. “If slaughtering everybody you cared about doesn’t work, then what will? Wait! I know!”
Music began to play. Roj, Simon and Ameh-May (who was there because I decided a fourth dancer was needed) stood up and formed a line behind him.
“I know I may be young, but I've got feelings too. And I need to do what I feel like doing. So let me go and just listen.” Aussie said, covered in blood oh so sexily. He began to sing as the others danced.
”All you people look at me like I'm a little boy. Well did you ever think it be okay for me to step into this world? Always saying little Australian don't step into Rie’s heart. Well I'm just tryin' to find out why cause Rie is who I love. Get it, get it. Oh, get it, get it.”
“WHOOOA!” The others sang. A giant python crawled out of the mouth of the now deceased best-man and began to wrap itself around Aussie, who continued singing.
”I know I may come off quiet, may come off shy. But I feel like talk, I feel like dancing when I see my love Rie. It’s practical, but is it logical? Fuck off Cogs and go die! All I know is I'm so happy when Rie’s underneath… I.”
“Oh!”
”I'm a slave for you. I cannot hold it; I cannot control it. I'm a slave for you. I won't deny it; I'm not trying to hide it. “
”I really wanna dance horizontally tonight with you. Baby, I wanna see you move I really wanna do what you want me to.”
”Baby, don't you wanna, dance up on me? To another time and place. Baby, don't you wanna, dance upon me? Leaving behind my name, my age.”
”I'm a slave for you. I cannot hold it; I cannot control it. I'm a slave for you. I won't deny it; I'm not trying to hide it. “
The dancers froze, the snake still around Aussie.
”Like that.” The dancers said and became so engrossed a threesome between them broke out.
“Do you see Rie? How perfect and brilliant I am?” Aussie asked.
“Oh for fuck sake!” The girl said. “I’m not Rie!”
“…Huh?”
The bride raised her vale. She was not the pink haired Amanda Seyfried look-a-like girl they had all known as Rie.
“Oh.” Aussie said. “Oh my God! I am so sorry for going Kill Bill on your wedding,” he apologised profusely, looking around at the gore all around him. The room was like something out of a violent horror movie, right down to the black guy having a threesome with the anime fan and cannibal.
“Oh, it’s alright. I didn’t want t get married to him anyway. And I never liked these people. You saved me a great deal of trouble. And that Rie girl is very lucky to have you.” The bride said, heading to the door to walk out.
“Yes. Yes I am.” A voice said from the doorway. It was Rie. “Sorry for being late to your wedding, I think?” Rie said looking at the blood bath. “Aussie. I saw your song. It was… beautiful. Let us dance the wang tang atomic tango” Rie said, before she ripped off her clothes.
And the rest is history…
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Post by Veta on Oct 30, 2010 15:15:04 GMT -6
I demand the finale take place in the funfun corner.
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Post by Mercury (HG) on Oct 30, 2010 15:52:14 GMT -6
I wasn't included in something like this?
Well, that's a first.
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Post by PirateWolf12 on Oct 30, 2010 17:41:28 GMT -6
I demand the finale take place in the funfun corner. I think I can make that possible. Sure.
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Post by PirateWolf12 on Oct 30, 2010 17:43:17 GMT -6
I wasn't included in something like this? Well, that's a first. I thought you left. Well, I might be able to fit you in somewhere. Maybe you could be a cadaver?
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Post by Rai Chiller on Oct 31, 2010 12:45:59 GMT -6
I demand the finale take place in the funfun corner. I think I can make that possible. Sure. Oh dear god no... I wasn't included in something like this? Well, that's a first. That's because u suk lololololololol
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Post by PirateWolf12 on Nov 1, 2010 6:06:17 GMT -6
Chapter 6: Finally A Performance by Ke$ha.
Rai, Living Dead’s finest answer to Yentl, sat alone in the dark abandoned subway tunnel, his only companion a lit candle that gave him some limited light.
”Go-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-od” Rai sang. “Also known as our heavenly Father. Oh, Go-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-od - and my deceased friend Ace, who may also be in heaven though it is unlikely.” He wiped the tears from his eyes. “May the light, from this flickering candle, illuminate the night the way your spirit illuminates my soul.”
Rai stood up, now positively bawwwing.
”Ace, can you hear me? Ace, can you see me? Ace, can you hear me in the night?”
”Ace, are you near me? Ace, can you hear me? Ace, can you help me not be frightened?”
“Ace, please forgive me. Try to understand me. Ace, don't you know I was just caught up in the song?”
“Can you hear me praying? Anything I'm saying? Even though this board is so sinfully wrong.”
“Ace, how I love you. Ace, how I need you. Ace, how I miss you. Si-i-i-inging Ke-dollar sign-ha with me-e-e-e-e-e, goodni-i-i-i-i-i-ight .”
Rai fell to his knees crying. “I’m just so sad and rich!” He screamed, hitting the ground with his fists. “Why, Ace!? Why!?”
“Rai? Oh my God, Rai!” A voice called out, and two figures raced towards him. It was Rai’s friends, JaGraunslha “Walrus” Jackson, a giant talking bipedal banana and Wizardwizard, an emu that had a human for hair.
“What’s wrong, Rai-Rai?” Asked Wizardwizard.
“Ace. I-I thin- No. I know he’s dead. I saw him get sucked up into LaShawndrax’s fat folds. AND IT MAKES ME SO DAMN SAD.”
“Ace is dead!?” Wizardwizard asked, surprised and a little horny as he thought of how to take sexual advantage of the two fruits next to him.
“I say good riddance to that honkie!” Walrus said, because he happened to be racist against all humans, except Rai for this author’s convenience.
“Oh, Walrus. He wasn’t a bad man, my Ace. He weren’t! I mean, sure. He was a communist. But he weren’t bad! And sure, he likes the company of fellow Klan members. But he weren’t bad, giant banana, he weren’t!”
“Well… I guess nobody deserves to die like that,” Walrus said awkwardly.
“I mean, he knew how to use his banhammer too freely. And if we spoke out of place, he’d remind us he had it and everything. And you know how we were all banished underground because of those lies the surface dwellers said about us? How it was Ace that released an army of cats to attack Canine City and slaughter all the residents? Well that weren’t true, mister, it weren’t!”
“Jesus, Rai. Man the fuck up you little ponce and cut the crap!” Wizardwizard said, now very unaroused.
“You’re right! I can’t blame myself for becoming a slave to the rhythm of Toucha Toucha Toucha Touch Me! You know what? I’m-“
“Bored now,” Walrus interjected.
“Let’s go mutate some more in the toxic waste cess pool,” Wizardwizard said.
“-going to go find some of my homies and head up to…THE SURFACE!” Rai said. Gasps would have sounded out had Walrus the giant banana and Wizardwizard the emu thing not already left. “Oh.” Rai said. “I see how it is.”
***
“The surface?” Kong said. “Are you out of your fucking mind!? “
“DAY-UM!” Tbone said. “Homie, you must be on some cracka, ‘cause yo fo’ sho’ ain’t six by six lines of crack!” He turned to Roj, who was calmly smoking a blunt. “Y’all mean?” Roj just looked at him, took the blunt out of his mouth and jammed it into Tbone’s eye.
“Stop that.” Sylar said. “Rai, I know you’re hurting about what’s-his-face, but I think you need to re-think your idea.”
“Go back to Texas! We have to up to the surface. For Ace. It’s what he’d want.” Rai shouted.
“I think what Ace truly would want is the death of my race.” Roj said.
“Well, we can do that later. But we must head up to ProBoard City. To prove to them that we are normal civilised folk who are just misunderstood! And when that undoubtedly fails we should grab some women to bring back down and breed with so our population doesn’t get all deep Alabama-ie.”
“I agree,” Kong said, putting down his banjo and standing up. “Oh captain my captain!”
“Where ever you go, I go!” Tbone said.
“Bitches and brandy for all!” Roj said, crying.
“Additional generic patriotic agreement comment!” Sylar said.
And so the five men, after a quick orgy, headed through tunnels, sewers, drains and long forgotten buildings that had been swallowed into the ground from a monstrous earthquake. Here through a labyrinth of abandoned city, not even used by the Living Dead, they came upon a dilapidated building and following a staircase up they found a large, thick metal cog shaped door.
“Are you ready?” Rai asked. The others silent nodded, in fearful sexual anticipation. Using a control panel on the wall, Rai opened the large door. Nobody even breathed as the door opened, burning their eyes. None had seen sunlight in what seemed like a thousand years. The five men slowly stepped out of the dilapidated building the cog door let to, like spacemen exploring a foreign planet and not a city that had cast them away. They exited the abandoned ruined foyer out into the street.
“It’s... beautiful.” Sylar said, clapping his hands together. It was actually a ghetto.
“Oh shit!” A disgusting morbidly obese surface dweller named Gabe said, his moobs jiggling like a plate of jelly. “The Living Dead mutants have gotten out! We must have left the door unlocked.” (And that’s out Aussie explained that plot hole!). The sunlight quickly vanished behind storm clouds, as if even nature was against the board.
“No! Please listen, we’re normal innocent citizens!” Kong said.
“Lies!” Gabe said, his seven necks jiggling.
“Aw sheeit! They be onto us dawg.” Tbone cried.
KAPOW! Gabe fell to his knees, a bullet hole in his chest. Another shot was fired, this time hitting the fat man in his forehead, where his pudgy skin was only three inches thick. He fell over dead. Roj - of course - lowered his smoking gun.
“It’s just been revoked,” he said as he lit a blunt. So badass.
“Good goin’ Roj!” Rai said. “Quick! Let us flee into that luminous building that has the sign of the woman with the giant bujungas!”
Rai pointed at one of the few buildings that had remained in the desolate ghetto neighbourhood that had once been known as Vegas and now just regarded as the Wasteland. As Rai and the others skipped to the shelter as a storm began, Kong felt the unnecessary need to sing.
“In the most miserable storms Under the flooding rain. There’s a guiding woman With breasts as big as my pain.”
”There’s a light.” Sylar sang.
”Over at that strip club place!” Voices coming from the shadows sang.
“Quick! Get in!” Rai said as they entered the men’s club.
“Oh. My. Voodoo. God.” Roj said, his mouth open. Surrounding them were girls. Nothin’ but girls! Also a few gross old Wasteland surface dwellers, but mostly girls! Girls in their underwear! They were so overcome with raw sexual power they just had to have an orgy. And everybody knows the best way to start an orgy!
”Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh-oh! Caught in a bad romance Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh-oh! Caught in a bad romance.” Sylar sang as the other Living Deaders following his dance moves. Suddenly they all burst out singing as the other patrons in the club noticed them.
Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah-ah! Roma-roma-mamaa! Ga-ga-ooh-la-la! Want your bad romance!
Rai wiped a tear off his face. “I wish you were here, Ace.” He said to himself as everybody began to dance.
“Oh, but I am.” Ace said. He was transparent, like a ghost.
“I thought you were dead!”
“No. I’m still alive. I’ve just astral projected myself to confront you with a request to save me.”
“After tik-tok.”
“But-“
“AFTER TIKTOK!” Rai screamed. Ghost Ace began to sing.
”Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy” Got my glasses- I'm out the door - I'm gonna hit this city Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack Cause when I leave for the night, I ain't coming back”
Rai joined in.
”I'm talking pedicure on our toes, toes Trying on all our clothes, clothes Boys blowing up our phones, phones Drop-toping, playing our favorite cds Pulling up to the parties Tryna’ get a little bit tipsy”
“Don't stop, make it pop DJ, blow my speakers up Tonight, I'mma fight 'Til we see the sunlight Tick tock, on the clock But the party don't stop”
“No- Oh- ooh- oh oh oh Oh- ooh- oh oh oh “
”Don't stop,”
The entire strip club; Living Deaders, half naked chicks and creepy customers joined in.
“Make it pop DJ, blow my speakers up Tonight, I'mma fight 'Til we see the sunlight Tick tock, on the clock But the party don't stop.”
“Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh-oh! Caught in a bad romance!”
Now it was just Ace and Rai, merchants reunited.
“Don't stop, make it pop DJ, blow my speakers up Tonight, I'mma fight 'Til we see the sunlight” And once again everybody was getting into it:
”Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh-oh! Caught in a bad romance!”
“I want your ugly I want your disease I want your everything As long as it’s free I want your love Love-love-love, I want your love.”
A bartender dressed in a bikini stepped out, her eyes on Sylar. She was impressed by his singing talents. Her solo was directed at the crazy Texan.
“You know that I want you And you know that I need you I want it bad Bad romance!”
Rai and Ace jumped forward.
I'm talking about – ‘errbody getting crunk, crunk Boys trying to touch my junk, junk Gonna smack him if he getting too drunk, drunk Now, now - we goin' til they kick us out, out Or the police shut us down, down Police shut us down, down Po-po shut us–
Suddenly everybody fell into formation, doing a models’ walk on the strippers’ runway.
“Walk, walk fashion baby Work it Move that bitch ca-razy“
”Walk, walk fashion baby Work it Move that bitch ca-razy.” ”Walk, walk fashion baby Work it I'm a freak bitch, baby”
“Don't stop, make it pop DJ, blow my speakers up Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh-oh! Tonight, I'mma fight 'Til we see the sunlight Caught in a bad romance Tick tock, on the clock But the party don't stop.”
”Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah-ah! Roma-roma-mamaa! Ga-ga-ooh-la-la! Want your bad romance”
Everybody collapsed from the exhaustion and in mere seconds an orgy began.
“Rai!” Ace said during as they did some crazy stuff to a stripper named Zoey. “I have to tell you, I’m still alive and-“
“Ace, this is getting really boring, really fast. Please go. You’re killing the moment.”
“I’m fading! I cannot project myself for much longe-“ Ace was cut out as he faded away into nothing, and Rai’s threesome was reverted to a normal horizontal steamy duet. Rai shrugged in apathy.
“Freeze!” A police officer said, weapon drawn. Behind him was a swat team, shields drawn to protect themselves from the sauciness that was occurring. “You’re under arrest for breaking the ProBoard City laws regarding sexual content, as well as unlawful use of Ke$ha and Gaga in one song as well as returning to the surface after banishment. All punishable by death.”
“Oh no! The popo! I can’t do another dime.” Tbone said, putting his clothes on. “They’re gonna’ take the black man. That’s me!”
“Damn it! You’re not black,” Roj said in annoyance.
“You’re right. I’ll change from now on.” Tbone said with a posh English accent.
“Run like hell!” Zoey the stripper said, who received a gunshot to the head for her trouble. The strip club occupants darted towards the back door, the Living Deaders and strippers escaping in time. Unfortunately the fat ugly Wasteland customers were too slow, and were all brutally murdered by the police.
The Living Deaders and their girls, about five in total, ran down the street past the rotting body of Gabe and towards their abandoned building. “Quick! We have to flee back to our… home.” Rai said, coming to a realisation.
“What? The underground sewers?” The bartender from the strip club said. “Gross. I don’t want to go there.”
“It might not be the Empire State building, but it is our home. And we’ll probably force you to come with us, so… yeah.”
“Oh.” The bartender said.
“Yeah.” Rai replied.
“Hm.” She said.
“Well you better kidnap us quick!” A perky stripper named Chelsea said. “The cops are coming.”
“Shit! They’re next to our escape route! And they also appear to be shooting at us!” Sylar squealed.
Bullets sprayed out at the Living Dead members and their new girls. Kong fell down as the gunfire tore through his body. In a few seconds he was reduced to a few mangled limbs and a whole lotta’ blood.
“Well, he did have a kind of black first name. The way it was spelt. Unnecessary letters. If you think about it.” Sylar said, as he grabbed the bartender’s hand and ran back towards the building with the others. “So it was bound to happen.”
“Hey!” Roj said. “Maybe the black man will win for onc-“
BANG. Roj’s decapitated body fell to the ground as the policeman lowered his gun. “I saved the world.” The cop said dreamily, before he picked up the body and swallowed it all at once. The Living Deaders pressed on. More gunfire rained down upon them like acid rain. A stripper dressed in pink fur was torn in half by gunfire.
‘Deyonce! Nooo!” Her stripper-in-arms cried, stopping for a second. Her hesitation was all the police needed as she was shot down.
“Quick! In here!” Rai shouted as they darted into the building that led to their subterranean paradise. The police did not follow.
“Oh. Shit.” Sylar said. There was a bomb. There were lots of bombs. 5 seconds to go. “Run!” He cried, grabbing the bartender’s hand and leading her through the large cog shaped door.
4 seconds. Rai followed him through.
3 seconds. Evie, a nightclub dancer who was running with Tbone, tripped as her heel broke. Tbone and Chelsea tumbled over her.
2 seconds. Chelsea threw herself forwards, momentum carrying her through the door as she fell on the staircase, picked herself up and began to run, the others already a flight down.
1 second. Tbone reached out, hoping for a miracle to push him out of the bomb radius, the stripper unconscious beneath him.
Blast off. The explosion was larger than the police anticipated. The force was able to slam the door shut, stopping a wall of flame from torching the four survivors who continued running into the safe depths of the tunnels. The explosion rocked the already unstable building to its foundation, causing it to tumble. The streets gave way under the police as the neighbourhood began to collapse into itself once again. And just like it had and always would be, the Living Dead was sealed off from the surface world.
Chelsea was injured, Rai violently coughing from the dust he had inhaled. Sylar and the bartender were, besides a few cuts and scrapes, fine. But they had all lost so much. And that was the day the Living Dead decided that perhaps the surface world was not ready for a mashup or saucy orgy and that despite their poverty and living conditions, the tunnels were their home. A place that accepted them. And that was just enough comfort, at least for a little while.
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Post by PirateWolf12 on Nov 3, 2010 7:47:36 GMT -6
Alright homies, peeps, perverts and the French. I know I said I'd try and get the next chapter out soon but with my university exams beginning in less than three days there will be some delay until the next chapter. A chapter that will feature Vandy in love, a terrified Cindy, a sweet transvestite Scottish man, two puddles, an unexpected guest, death and a love triangle.
Not sure when this will be released but I can safely say it won't be nearly as long as the last chapter. But hopefully soon after I finish my exams and sort some personal stuff out that I'm not about to rant about and bore you with.
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Post by Vandy on Nov 3, 2010 15:06:39 GMT -6
Sounds like a weekend at the Vandy House! WOOOOOO
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Post by Traveling Riverside Roj on Nov 3, 2010 17:52:58 GMT -6
Good luck on your examinations, dawg.
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Post by Mercury (HG) on Nov 4, 2010 19:08:19 GMT -6
Good luck, Aussie. And the last thing anyone needs is you, Vandy.
SHAME
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Post by Vandy on Nov 16, 2010 14:54:39 GMT -6
NEXT CHAPTER DAMMIT
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