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Post by cogs on Feb 18, 2010 17:41:04 GMT -6
AD
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Post by Veta on Feb 18, 2010 17:41:04 GMT -6
C and D!
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Post by Song Nai on Feb 18, 2010 18:50:29 GMT -6
C and D in that order!
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Post by AceTheMercenary on Feb 18, 2010 18:58:58 GMT -6
>_>
<_<
It returns!
Anyway... B and then E.
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Basil
New Survivor
Posts: 47
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Post by Basil on Feb 19, 2010 5:53:44 GMT -6
You chose...C and D! Have Veta survive in a most fortuitous manner and have the Security Room goons rescue some guy or other named Rai to gain some bogus achievement! WHOOP LA DEE DOO DA!!
"Oh Great Gods of the Mall", said Mike as he raised the wooden stake above his head, ready to nail Veta's squirming form like a cheap aperitive olive with a toothpick, "accept our humble offer of filthy Communist raghead Mexican blood in exchange of Ada's not quite worthless, but albeit slightly more important Soul."
"-Caramba!", whined Veta, "don't do it, senor!"
Suddenly, a hard, white plaster of Paris object hit Mike in the head from out of nowhere. After the initial confusion had cleared, a deluge of plaster Virgin Mary statues began to bombard the assembly, knocking Mike to the ground, breaking Cindy's nail and smashing into Ada's face.
"-Aw fuuuuck",grumbled Mike, who realised that shooting the things was useless, and was therefore deprived of his usual method of problem solving.
"-Aye caramba!", cried Veta as a Virgin Mary statue pelted him in the balls.
"-I think that meanth the Mall Godth didn't like your offer, Mike!", said Cindy as she ducked behind a wardrobe to avoid the deadly religious kitsch missiles.
Back in the Security Room, everyone was fighting over what they should do. Rescue the Japs? Stay put? Nobody agreed with anybody.
"YOU FUCKING ARSEHOLE WHORE BITCHES!", roared Jill in her usual sensible manner.
"-Your voice is so graceful and your body language so melodious", said Josh, crawling at her feet.
"-Ye fugging pussies, gimme drink or I'll kill ye all", shouted Shark, walking over Josh and attacking Basil with the non-pointy bit of his spear.
Suddenly, the argument was drowned out by the asthmatic roar of a helicopter. The survivors looked at each other.
"-RESCUE!"
"-Wut? I wuz gun say hawt dawgs!", said the token black guy.
The survivors rushed up the stairs leading to the roof, pushing and thumping each other and trampling Josh. They made it to the mall's flat roof and saw a Chinook helicopter with BSAAT stamped on it in blue and fluorescent pink. A short, rather hyperactive individual strode over to them and extended his sweaty palm in greeting.
"-Howdy doody batches!", said their rescuer.
"-I'm Derek!", said the token partner, cluelessly bumping into a ventilation outlet.
"-Greetings, glorious saviour!", said Otis, who myopically began to worship Jill, who viciously stamped on his hand with her high heels. Why she was wearing high heels with tactical gear, nobody knew.
"-Wow, you're a bunch of pathetic batches!", said the short agent of watsit, "but don't worry! I'm here with Derek and the BSAAT to save you all and bring awesome lolz into this thing!"
"-What's lolz?"
"-What's BSAAT?"
The short agent facepalmed.
"-BSAAT is a world famous organisation! You've never heard of the Bull Shit Agency Association Thing?"
The survivors looked at each other, completely mystified.
"-No. Oh, by the way, your chopper just exploded."
The short special agent whirled around and saw that the Chinook had burst into flames for no apparent reason.
"-NOOOOOOOO", he cried, slumping to the floor Elias style.
"-I'm Derek!", said his companion.
"-Looks like you're staying with us, Mr...?"
"-Rai, Rai Chiller", said Rai Chiller, "my name is absolutely icebox."
"-I'm Derek!"
Nobody laughed, and Rai gave up and followed them down into the Security Room. Things were getting grimmer and darker by the nanosecond, what could possibly be done now?
Holy shitsauce! What will the survivors do now to save their lives?
THOU DECIDETH!
Yo current status, nigguz:
Karma: 5
Achievements: Super Duper BSAAT Agent who Specialises in Killing Bat Caterpillars.
Mike & Co:
A-use Veta as a human shield and leave the shop to regain the safety of the SR!
B-have Mike charge forward to wherever.
C-DIE!
D-FORTUITOUS EVENT!
Security Room Goons:
A-rescue the Japs!
B-go see that LARPer person and do stuff.
C-FIGHT!
Bonus task: find booze for Shark.
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Post by AceTheMercenary on Feb 19, 2010 9:45:54 GMT -6
B and C.
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Post by Kong The Jester on Feb 19, 2010 16:00:22 GMT -6
D then B, if a tie then D then C
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Post by Veta on Feb 19, 2010 18:14:47 GMT -6
D and A.
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Basil
New Survivor
Posts: 47
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Post by Basil on Mar 7, 2010 17:51:18 GMT -6
Ace chose...B and C! Long live anti-democratic measures!
"I'm gettin' tired of this", said Mike as another plaster statue of the Virgin Mary smashed into a Swedish made cupboard. The floor was now thoroughly covered with shattered plaster, and Veta was cowering behind a chest of drawers that looked like a shower of very very small plaster if paris meteorites had smacked into it while high on speed and crack...the horror was unimaginable.
With a huff and a puff, Mike armed his pistol and charged into the deluge with all the might of the American way of life and the blessing of George W. Bush the Almighty Space Monkey. He charged forward into the Furniture Store of Death, shooting down a grand total of two and a half plaster statues before his mighty skull was whacked by one of the religious kitsch fiends and he staggered under the sudden rain of plaster blows, relentlessly pounding him into submission until he finally fell.
Cindy Fields and Veta looked at Mike, who seemed quite unconscious. "What do we do now?", said Veta, whose hands were getting too close to Cindy's body for her comfort. "-I don't know, but keeping your handth to yourthelf ith a good idea", she said, bashing the uncouth, horny Mexican simpleton over the head with a lamp. "-Yiff!", said Ada happily.
Meanwhile...
"YOU FUCKING ASS FUCKER CHIMP SHIT DIPSHITE FUCK", said Jill in a delicate voice as Josh suddenly found himself slammed against the wall, giving off a snickering whimper similar to that of a hyena on heat. The enamored Josh had once again attempted to grope Jill, and Jill had repaid him in kind with a good, strong beating.
Basil sighed heavily. The two had been fighting since the first time they'd met (although it was a pretty one-sided fight, with Josh coming out as the pathetic loser).
"-I'm Derek", said Derek to a nearby, worn out sofa.
The security room was in quite a state, as Otis bored everyone with his anecdotes involving penises, female betrayal and anchovies, and Rai Chiller paraded around doing his best to seem like the group's comic relief, and failing miserably. A serious bout of Cabin Fever was making itself felt, and it wouldn't be long before everyone's strained psyche cracked and began to perceive the other as a packet of Cheetos, and try to violently subdue them and devour them.
"-Okay people", said Basil the Brave, "I think it's time we went out of here and did something."
"-Fuggin' right ye Anglosh faggit", said Shark in his usual, delightfully slurred voice., "can't stand to see those two clowns try to fug each uther", he added, pointing at Josh and Jill.
OH SHI-
What should be done?
Mike & Co
A-Pray to Jeebus for salvation. B-Smash their way through the wall with the unconscious Mike. C-Sit on Veta.
The SR Goons:
A-Rescue dem Japs. B-Shoot someone to set an example. C-VIVA LAS VEGAS!
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Post by Veta on Mar 7, 2010 17:59:16 GMT -6
A and B.
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Post by Kong The Jester on Mar 7, 2010 18:02:05 GMT -6
BC seems the best option no?
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Post by Veta on Mar 7, 2010 18:58:09 GMT -6
Who cares about best? Funniest is the best choice here.
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Post by Traveling Riverside Roj on Mar 7, 2010 20:34:18 GMT -6
BB
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Post by slayer22 on Sept 3, 2010 16:20:23 GMT -6
BB
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Basil
New Survivor
Posts: 47
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Post by Basil on Sept 3, 2010 17:10:10 GMT -6
You chose…B! And B! What are you, a beaver-fucking moron? Anyway, let us proceed with the attempted story.
“Yiff!”
The mysterious deluge of cheap religious icons had not abated in the least, and Veta, Cindy and Ada had started playing Bridge on Mike’s unconscious form. Unfortunately, Ada kept spoiling the boredom by trying to yiff Mike’s face. After about seven bouts of wrestling Ada away from Mike and sending the cards flying everywhere, Cindy and Veta decided that maybe it was time to attempt an escape from the furniture store.
“-We have to get out of here”, said Cindy, “and thtop trying to wrethle Ada to the floor, Veta, she’th not humping anyone.”
A red-faced Veta put an abrupt end to his Ada molestation and turned to face Cindy.
“-Maybe we could-a make-a sweet love on the couch?”, said Veta, slobbering on his fake lab coat.
“-No, and thpeak normally”, said Cindy petulantly, her lisp undermining her implication that Veta spoke like a fake Mexican porno actor.
The pair sat down on Mike and considered their next move as Ada sexed up a lamp and the plaster Virgin Mary’s kept pounding relentlessly into the small barricade of cheap Taiwanese furniture. Eventually, Cindy came up with the most sensible, clever, tactful, heroic, brilliant, awesome, life-changing plan ever to be devised by a human mind without the influence of Meth or steroids.
“Let’th uthe Mike!”
“-Qué?”, said Veta in a mystified voice. Understanding Cindy was quite hard, and the fact she was a woman did not make things easier.
“-We’ll uthe Mike ath a battering ram and thmash through the wall”, said Cindy in a patronising tone fit for a mother berating her retarded son.
“-Oh, okay”, said Veta, understanding half of Cindy’s plan. Cindy proceeded to grab Mike’s legs and, wielding him like a battering ram, slammed his skull into the nearest wall.
Surprisingly, and against every single law of physics dictating that human skulls cannot knock down walls, Mike’s head smashed a small hole in the concrete. Cindy proceeded to violently and repeatedly ram the wall with Mike, ending up with a fair-sized opening through which they could all escape. Sadly, Mike was killed in the process, his skull getting crushed to a pulp.
With cries of joy and a few fake tears, the Mexican quack doctor, the lisping bourgeoise and the yiffing Asian moron escaped their furniture store of a prison and gallivanted through Paradise Plaza, blatantly ignoring the now rather tired-looking zombies vainly shuffling after them. However, their joy was cut short when a small man clad in black and gibbering in some nonsense Asian dialect appeared before them.
“EW, AN ASIAN”, said Cindy in clear distress and horror. Asians were horrendous creatures to behold, especially midget Asians dressed in black. Said midget promptly produced a katana and made clearly threatening gestures involving impaling and Veta’s crotch.
Meanwhile, in the Security Room…
“Stop arguing now!”, said Basil the Brave in a wavering voice as Jill slammed Josh into the floor again, crushing his face with her foot and smearing Josh ketchup all over the clean tiles Otis had spat on earlier that day.
“YOU FUCKING SHITCUNT DYKE NIGGER GOOK FUCK-A-DUCK ASS-FUCKING FUCKER”, said Jill reproachfully to Josh as he squirmed on the floor. Meanwhile, Rai was trying to wrench Derek away from a water fountain while Shark downed a bottle of Dior perfume he had found in the bathroom. Basil had to do something, and that something involved getting shooty, for what problem could not be resolved without firearms?
Basil the Brave looked around for something he could use to show the others he wasn’t fucking around, and his eyes conveniently settled on a rather conveniently placed nail gun. He grabbed the tool turned weapon and raised it high, shouting to the others to be quiet.
“Shut up! Shut up now!”, he yelled. He felt a sudden exhilaration at waving this savage instrument of imminent pain and death around, and the inevitable accident happened: he pulled the trigger and sent a large, steel nail flying straight into the face of the unfortunate Derek, nailing his skull to the wall along with a now thoroughly knackered water fountain.
“Oh shi-“, was all Basil managed to say. Rai didn’t seem in the least bit horrified by his partner’s death.
“-He was a piece of shit anyway…squirrels…my God…”
As this reference to past sex crimes involving squirrels faded away, Jill piped up in her usual civilised, delicate tone of voice:
“SHIT MAN, YOU FUCKING FUCKED HIM UP LIKE A BITCH WHORE.”
What do, what do?
Cindy, Veta and Ada:
A- Fuck the ninja’s shit up, he’s just a smelly Asian. B-Offer Ada as a sex slave, maybe he’ll go away. C-Gibber and scream while making obscene gestures and desecrating Mike’s corpse with chopsticks.
The SR Goons:
A-Kill Jill, silence her for good and use her corpse for food. B-Interrogate Rai about Derek’s sexual past. C-Shoot Josh in the foot. D-Get Shark some booze before he kills himself by ingesting toilet bleach. E-Rescue dem Japs. G-Take Otis to the roof to see if he can fly.
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Post by slayer22 on Sept 3, 2010 17:15:16 GMT -6
C D
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Post by AceTheMercenary on Sept 3, 2010 17:38:30 GMT -6
C and C.
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Post by The Merchant on Sept 3, 2010 17:49:22 GMT -6
A B
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Post by Kong The Jester on Sept 4, 2010 14:40:19 GMT -6
C,C
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Basil
New Survivor
Posts: 47
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Post by Basil on Sept 4, 2010 15:02:25 GMT -6
“Josh?”, said Basil.
“-Wha?”, replied Josh, turning away from his lustful observation of Jill’s legs.
Without further ado, Basil shot Josh in the foot. The enamoured idiot collapsed to the floor, screaming in pain and clutching his injured foot. Taking this as the signal to cause further chaos, Shark lurched drunkenly towards Josh and proceeded to relieve himself on him.
“-Uuuurrhhh…ye fugging fuggut”, drawled Shark as he contemplated Josh’s prostrate and urine-soaked form.
“-Now that this is done”, said Basil the Brave, “I believe it’s time we took some decisive and epic action. We’ll go rescue those Japs.”
“-WHAT FUCKING JAPS”, said Jill in her beautiful voice.
“-DAMN RIGHT”, said Rai, who was, for some reason, hugging a chair. The empty bottle of pills next to his foot probably had a lot to do with his current state.
“-BUUUUH”, said Shark as he puked on Josh.
Meanwhile, Ada, Veta and Cindy were still facing the black-clad midget ninja. In a sudden burst of inspiration, Cindy let out a long, gibbering howl, followed by several nonsensical miming gestures aimed at the ninja. Veta quickly followed Cindy’s lead, and the two were soon gesticulating and howling away like retarded bears.
Unfortunately, the midget ninja was not impressed. He shouted some threatening Asian nonsense before proceeding to stab Ada in the leg.
“Yirff!”, squealed Ada as she fell.
“-Oh shi-“, said Veta as he realised their plan was not working.
The SR Goons:
Who will rescue the Japs?
A-Josh (injured), Shark (drunk on perfume) and Basil. B-Basil, Jill and Rai (high on mescaline). C-Josh (injured), Basil and Shark (drunk on perfume.
Veta, Ada and Cindy:
A-RUN AWAY! And leave Ada to die. B-RUN AWAY! And drag Ada along with them. C-Engage the dirty gook in combat.
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Post by Veta on Sept 4, 2010 15:15:59 GMT -6
BA.
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Post by cogs on Sept 4, 2010 18:43:51 GMT -6
BC. Asian man must be attacked.
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Post by Slayer_22 on Nov 8, 2015 19:41:18 GMT -6
ba
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