Basil
New Survivor
Posts: 47
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Post by Basil on Apr 9, 2009 13:12:13 GMT -6
Chapter 1: ZAWMBIES!! EVERYWHERE!! Willamette was under siege by...ZAWMBIES!! It started out with a few attacks before their numbers conveniently exploded and they conveniently overran the town...how convenient. Nobody knew how they had come to be, maybe they were victims of voodoo witchcraft? An unknown virus? Or maybe they had just become so pissed at the total absence of cake from the story that they had died and come back to life through sheer rage. Anyway, some random survivors were gathered in the Willamette mall bla bla bla barricade bla bla bla zombies bla bla no hope and all that. Some leathery old piece of sh...sorry, lady, was shambling around and waving her saggy old decaying flesh at people whilst crying out for a pop star. "Madonna!", she yelled, her voice written in green for some reason. "-Shut the fuck up you stupid ugly old piece of shit whore fuck wank rape anus crap doodle sandwich! Your fuckin' dawg is fuckin' dead!", shouted a particularly foul-mouthed random survivor. His voice, strangely enough, was written in yellow. Suddenly, highly irritating yapping came from outside, where the cake-starved zombies were ravenously clawing at the doors. The aforementioned fuckin' dawg was yapping away, just outside the doors and looking like one evil son of a bitch...no wait, all dogs are sons and daughters of bitches because the female dog is refered to as bitch! HAR HAR PLAY ON WORDS, I'M AWESOME! Hum, anyway, the old corpse stumbled over to the doors and opened them, letting in the undead horde. "-YOU FUCKIN' BITCH MUDDAFUCKA WANK SHIT!", yelled the foul-mouthed zombie fodder survivor as he was conveniently ripped apart in the most graphical way possible. Josh the Man and Ada the Woman looked on in horror as the poor random survivors were gratuitously massacred for the sake of the plot. "OH NO", said Ada the Woman, "what do we do?". Her voice, oddly enough, was written in red. "-Maybe", said Josh the Man, "we should grab this conveniently placed baseball bat and this knife that someone randomly threw in a bin!" His voice, was for some strange reason written in blue. As he said that, a baseball bat appeared out of nowhere and hovered in the air at the same time as a masked man wearing a fedora dropped a knife in the aforementioned bin. Josh the Man and Ada the Woman looked at each other uncertainly...what could they POSSIBLY do? ? What should A n' J do readers?
A-grab the fucking knife and fucking baseball bat and pwn the shit out of those fucking zawmbies, gosh people nowadays have no fuckin' initiative.
B-sit down and eat cake, the zombies will go away eventually.
C-run into a nearby (and conveniently placed) broom closet and have wild end of the world sex.
D-pray to Jesus their Lord and Saviour.
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Post by slayer22 on Apr 9, 2009 13:13:44 GMT -6
C).
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Post by darkdragon on Apr 9, 2009 13:15:16 GMT -6
C.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Apr 9, 2009 13:41:03 GMT -6
C, then D, then B, then if all else fails A
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Post by praetorian on Apr 9, 2009 14:33:54 GMT -6
Hmm... My gut tells me to go with B.
Then again, it could just be because I skipped lunch today. Oh well, B.
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Post by Veta on Apr 9, 2009 15:52:54 GMT -6
C.
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Post by baron on Apr 9, 2009 20:56:48 GMT -6
C
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Basil
New Survivor
Posts: 47
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Post by Basil on Apr 10, 2009 10:44:11 GMT -6
You chose...C! Have hawt and wild end of the world sex in a conveniently placed broom closet...pervertsAda the Woman and Josh looked at each other. "You know what I'd do if it was the end of the world?" "-Eat a bagel?", said Josh the Man with conviction. "-No, have wild and hot sex", said Ada the Woman patiently...God he could be slow at times. "-Uh...I was thinking about bagels right now..." Ada the Woman face-palmed. Her boyfriend was not the sharpest tool in the shed. She grabbed him by the belt and dragged him into the aforementioned conveniently placed broom closet, shutting the door behind them and feverishly undoing it and pulling his trousers down. She then proceeded to pull her shirt off, exposing her bra. As the situation degenerated even further, her bra and Josh's shirt vanished and.... *PREMIUM MEMBERS ONLY* Sorry people, but a lot of you are under 18 and I don't specialise in describing highly erotic scenes. If you REALLY want to read it, you'll have to pay me 500 euros... And if you're too tight-fisted to spend that kind of money, you can use your imagination! ...meanwhile... Basil the Brave was in a small antique store a floor above A n' J, why he was here, I don't know, it's a plot device. DUM DUM DUM! As he looked around the dusty, crap-filled shelves, he heard a groan behind him...and no this is not Josh groaning in pleasure, really. He turned around and saw, to his horror, that the shopkeeper was a ZAWMBIE. He had not noticed anything suspicious when he had entered the shop. The shopkeeper had been eating a dead woman behind his counter and groaning...usual shopkeeper stuff. Basil decided that caution was the better part of valour and fled to the bottom of the shop, where he noticed that he had done a pretty stupid thing since the wall at the back was blocking his escape. He turned round, shaking in fear and saw the ZAWMBIFIED shopkeeper shambling ever soooo slowly towards him... Time was running out fast!!! What could he do? Does Josh love Bagels more than Ada? What should Basil the Brave do, readers??
A-grab the lethal-looking viking axe perched on a nearby shelf (conveniently one might say)
B-fuck that, do a rugby tackle on him and smash his brains in with your fists!!!
C-make a jackhammer out of chopsticks, duct tape and a rubber duck and drill your way through the floor into the room below!!!
D-stand very still, ZAWMBIES are like T-Rex's, they can't see people who stand still!!
E-hide by putting an Edwardian lampshade over your head.
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Post by baron on Apr 10, 2009 10:51:18 GMT -6
B
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Post by baron on Apr 10, 2009 10:57:37 GMT -6
By the way,Basil,you are a sick ****.
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Post by slayer22 on Apr 10, 2009 11:11:48 GMT -6
E
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Post by baron on Apr 10, 2009 11:57:43 GMT -6
Can you put Fran?ois in your next CYOA post?
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Post by slayer22 on Apr 10, 2009 12:03:02 GMT -6
It is gonna follow along with the story Baron, not with what you want.
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Post by Veta on Apr 10, 2009 14:26:57 GMT -6
C.,
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Post by praetorian on Apr 10, 2009 21:08:11 GMT -6
C.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2009 17:02:25 GMT -6
c
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Basil
New Survivor
Posts: 47
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Post by Basil on Apr 12, 2009 12:46:03 GMT -6
You chose...C! Build a jackhammer out of chopsticks, duct tape and a rubber duck and drill your way through the floor...why do you keep on choosing C? DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THE REST OF THE ALPHABET?? JUST LEAVE C ALONE!!! HE'S ONLY HUMAN!!!
Hum, anyway...
The ZAWMBIE was drawing closer. basil looked desperately around him for a means to escape, ignoring the deadly-looking viking axe, the lethal-looking samurai sword and the dangerous-looking and still functioning Gatling Gun, all placed, conveniently, within arm's reach.
Suddenly, he saw a basket full of chopsticks, a rubber duck and a roll of duct tape.
"Eureka!", he cried. He had found the key to safety.
Quicker than you could say "furfag stole mah cornflakes", Basil had assembled a fully functional jackhammer.
He activated it and began to drill his way through the floor, sending bits of concrete flying everywhere and destroying priceless objects in the process.
As the last chunk of concrete smashed the Holy Graal into pieces, Basil fell through the floor into the room below.
He heard startled screams as he got up, covered in concrete dust. He seemed to have surprised a Man and a Woman in the act of risqué business.
"-Frightfully sorry!", he said, as he hid his eyes behind his hands.
As the couple hastily put their clothes back on, a woman wearing a swat suit and a helmet blundered in and shoved her gun up Basil's nostril.
"OKAY", she said, "WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?"
Before Basil could answer, a random Haitian gangster black man type carrying a sawn-off shotgun ran in and shoved the gun in Basil's other nostril.
"-WHUT DA FUCK IZ GOIN' AWN MAN??"
But before Basil could even answer the question, a whole horde of chaisaw and UZI wielding penguins clad in Ninja outfits flooded in and shoved their guns in everyone's face.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?", they all said in perfect, penguin unison.
"-Now this is getting ridiculous...", said Basil.
"-SHUT THE FUCKING FUCK UP, SHIT SANDWICH AND ANSWER MY FUCKING QUESTION!", howled the mystery SWAT woman.
They were all pointing their guns at each other...the Mexican stand-off was on, but what would be the outcome?
YOU DECIDE READERS!
A-shout 'this is bullshit, penguins aren't supposed to be here, it's a realistic RPG damn it! And you Baron are supposed to leave and delete your character at that point, so shut the fucking fuck up!
B-answer the question. After all, they did all ask the same thing.
C-have Sonic teh Hedgehawg intervene coz he's awesome and blue and can run real fast!!
D-make a gun out of balloons and shoot the fuckers.
E-say 'hey look! A flying hotdog!' and use the momentary distraction to escape.
F-have Ada lose her bra.
G-have Josh pull a bagel out of his trousers.
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Post by praetorian on Apr 12, 2009 12:49:55 GMT -6
"Furfag stole mah cornflakes" That, sir, was for teh lulz.
Anyway, I choose D.
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Post by darkdragon on Apr 12, 2009 13:34:07 GMT -6
E.
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Post by slayer22 on Apr 12, 2009 13:35:18 GMT -6
F!
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Post by Shark on Apr 12, 2009 15:12:40 GMT -6
G!!
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Post by Veta on Apr 12, 2009 15:36:22 GMT -6
H!!!
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Post by baron on Apr 12, 2009 18:24:27 GMT -6
F
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Post by Rai Chiller on Apr 13, 2009 6:26:59 GMT -6
lol, D
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Basil
New Survivor
Posts: 47
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Post by Basil on Apr 13, 2009 11:28:03 GMT -6
You chose...D! Make a gun out of ballons and shoot the fuckers!!
Basil suddenly had an idea.
"-Hey, do you want to see a trick?"
The penguins, the mystery woman and the black haitian gangster type man thing all looked at him, intrigued.
"-SHOW ME MOTHERFUCKING SHIT BARBRA STREISAND", said the SWAT woman in what apparently was a quiet tone of voice.
Basil drew out some black balloons he had conveniently stored in his pocket and blew them up. He began to twist them up together, the others watched in fascinated silence. He finished twisting and tying them up together, revealing a shape that looked a lot like an AK-47.
"-Wow, muddafucka bro", said the Haitian gangster hooligan man thing, "that's fuckin' awesum."
"-YEAH I MUST ADMIT IT'S PRETTY GOOD", howled the masked woman.
Basil nodded sagely before saying:
"-And now, for a magic trick."
He grabbed the balloon AK-47 and slammed a balloon magazine into it.
"-Dang, he's good, sounds just like the real thing", said one of the penguins.
Before any of them could say another word, the balloon-made AK-47 unleashed a hail of bullets, killing all those present except for Ada, Josh and the mystery SWAT woman.
"-OH SHIT MUDDAFUCKA I'M LEAVIN' THE SITE", said the strange Haitian gangster casino owner man thing.
Why he said that, nobody knew why.
Josh the Man looked at Basil in awe.
"-Wow man, how'd'you do that? You made a real Ak out of fucking balloons and shot the crap out of everyone!"
"-Now don't be silly", said Basil, "it's only a bunch of ballons tied up together."
"-But...how did you kill those guys then?"
"-The power of belief sonny, the power of belief..."
They turned towards the mystery woman, who was standing there and looking quite flabbergasted by what had happened.
Josh the Man promptly wrestled her to the floor, grabbing firm hold of her chest so as to prevent her escape.
"-What the hell are you doing?", said Ada the Woman with a strong tinge of jealousy in her voice.
"-Oh er, just...feeling up the situation", said Josh, smiling genially.
Basil the Brave ignored the promiscuous Josh and spoke to Ada the Woman.
"-So...what do we do now?"
YOU DECIDE READERS!
A-interrogate the mystery woman, she could have some useful information.
B-kick Josh in the crotch to put a stop to his obscene fondling!
C-screw this, let's go get some chili dogs!
D-knock the woman unconscious with the conveniently placed frying pan, tie up Josh and go looking for other survivors, using Josh as an emergency distraction should you be surrounded by ZAWMBIES.
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Post by Veta on Apr 13, 2009 11:31:14 GMT -6
D!
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Post by praetorian on Apr 13, 2009 12:14:55 GMT -6
Definitely D.
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Post by slayer22 on Apr 13, 2009 15:07:10 GMT -6
Fuck you both, C. D.
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Post by baron on Apr 13, 2009 15:12:04 GMT -6
D
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Basil
New Survivor
Posts: 47
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Post by Basil on Apr 15, 2009 11:55:19 GMT -6
You chose...D! Knock the woman unconscious with the conveniently placed frying pan and tie Josh up to use him as a distraction in case you are surrounded by ZAMWBIES and go looking for other survivors.
Ada the Woman grabbed a nearby frying pan, quite conveniently placed if you ask me, and bashed the mystery woman over the head with it, knocking her out cold.
Josh looked at what Ada had just done, eyes wide with shock, horror and the disapointment caused by interrupted fondling.
"Ada, why the fuck did you do that?"
"-Aw shaddap", said Ada, as she and Basil wrestled him to the floor and tied him up with his shoe laces (they were very strong shoelaces!).
"-Ada? Why the fuck did you do that?"
"-You said that twice already", answered Ada as if she was swotting an irritating fly away.
Before Josh could question the moral soundness of her actions, Ada, with help from Basil, carted Josh away and into Entrance Plaza, which was heavily infested with the undead.
"-Damn! If we hadn't been having hawt end of the world sex in the broom closet we could have easily avoided this!", said Ada in consternation, "I wonder why we did that in the first place?...it's almost as if some...force had ordered us to do it..."
Basil looked curiously at Ada who looked curiously at Josh who looked curiously at a half-eaten bagel in a nearby trashcan.
The bagel, not quite able to handle such attention said: "don't look at me, I'm irrelevant", before moving to his aunt's home in Toronto.
Basil looked at Ada and said: "you said you were in a broom closet...that room we were in a few minutes ago was awfully big for a broom closet. A normal broom closet couldn't have contained those penguins, the black haitian cliché man-thingumagig, Mystery Woman here, and us."
Ada looked dubiously at the still open broom closet and saw that it was only big enough to contain two people.
"-Hm, strange."
They moved on up the stairs to the first floor of Entrance Plaza, using Josh to ram zombies out of the way.
"-Hey, what the fuck? Why're you doing this damn it?", whined the human battering-ram.
Suddenly, in a very plot convenient manner, they came upon a portly man dressed like a janitor. They therefore deduced that the man was a janitor, or an impersonator, or both...although a janitor who pretends to be a janitor during his spare time is quite a peculiar thing, maybe being a janitor facilitates the impersonating of one...?
Anyway, the janitor looked at them and said:
"-Quick! Get in here! Before the ZAMBIES eat you!"
The group ran into the room the janitor had indicated through various gestures, banging Josh's head on the door in the process.
They carefully unloaded their unconscious captive on a couch, and unceremoniously dumped Josh on the floor.
Suddenly, Ada raised her hands in female distress.
"-Oh no! SHit wank fuck damn crap! I lost my great-grandmother's bracelet! I must go retrieve it!"
Before any of the others could say "get back to the kitchen", she had dashed out of the door. Otis, who was obviously extremely short-sighted, hard of hearing and misogynistic, shut the door after her and promptly welded it shut, trapping Ada the Woman outside.
"-Damn you motherfucker!", shouted Josh. His anger seemed to vanish when he laid eyes on the Mystery Woman's shapely, and unconscious, body.
Basil untied Mystery Woman and slapped her awake. She stood up groggily and rubbing her head.
"-Where..AM I MOTHERFUCKING BASTARD SHITTER RAPIST FUCKERNAUT???", she said, in a reasonable voice.
Josh, who's lust could not be contained by mere shoelaces, no matter how tough they were, burst free and shoved Basil out of the way, staring at the mysterious woman with adoration.
Otis said, in a grumpy voice:
"-We're in the security room. Those things outside are dumb as shit and won't be able to get in."
Basil looked accusingly at Josh, who was lustfully staring at Mystery Woman.
"-Aren't you forgetting someone..?"
"-Uh, oh...er...yeah...er....Oh! Yeah! Ada! I forgot about her...stressful situation and everything , you know."
"-Yeah..right", said Basil in a voice that suggested he was far from convinced.
"-But we can't get out of here, so that sorts it", said Josh, rapidly dismissing the matter and resuming his eyeing session.
"-Oh, but we can", said Basil, "we can get out through this convenient set of air vents!"
Josh's face darkened.
"-Oh err, well okay..."
"-And what is your name...?", said Basil, turning to face Mystery Woman.
"-Yeah, what's your name you sexy thing?", said Josh in a husky voice.
The woman in question casually puched Josh in the face and said:
"-I'm J, this is my REAL name, really."
"-Okay...J, you coming with us?"
"-Yes", she replied curtly.
"-Oooh", said Josh, rubbing his bruised face, "I love tough women!"
J bashed his mouth shut again before going to the air vents, followed by Basil and the battered, but still enamoured Josh.
After crawling through the stuffy, dark and dusty vent for what seemed like an hour, they emerged in what seemed to be a warehouse full of crates and paraphernalia.
The climbed out of the vents and began to explore the new room. Suddenly, Basil and Josh encountered a man armed with a nasty-looking musket.
"-Hey man, put the pea-shooter away and chill", said Josh.
The man, obviously irritated by Josh's highly irritating response, hefted his antique weapon and fired.
Josh hid behind a box and Basil suddenly seemed to magically disapear. Another lead bullet smacked into the crate behind which Josh was hiding...what could he do?
Josh, status: expendable.
Basil, status: carrying out a "strategic withdrawal".
J, status: letter of the alphabet.
WHAT SHOULD THEY DO READERS? YOU DECIDE THEIR FATE!!
A-have Josh hotwire a nearby lawnmower and drive it into their attacker?
B-have Basil perform a sneak attack by creeping up behind him and slamming a hatchet into the attacker's crotch?
C-have Jill throw a cheese grater at him?
D-DEUS EX MACHINA??
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